Forgotten Music

It For Me

      "When no one is around you, say ‛baby, I love you’."

— Beyoncé, Say My Name

**

It For Me

      HE STOPS so sharply he almost loses his balance. It's so hard to say his name when I haven't seen him in so so so so long.

     "Yeah?" He asks quietly.

     "You dropped something."

     "Oh," he picks up the piece of paper,"Thanks." 

      I nod and give him a tight smile. We continue to the counter. Once there, I order myself a grilled chicken salad and soda while he orders pizza and fries for himself and a turkey sandwich for Kyla.

      Without waiting for him, I make a beeline for our table, feeling relieved to sit. Xavier follows only a couple minutes after. He hands Kyla's lunch to her and the five of us eat together.

      The four of them have normal chatter. Asking each other the basic questions. I, of course, stay silent and listen.

      And at that moment they start to ask the personal questions. 

     "So, how long have you been together?" Dina asks casually. I guess it was a casual question but to me it felt like a blow to my stomach.

      Kyla and Xavier exhange the kind of smiles that only old married couples share. The kind that sticks them together forever. I want to be angry, furious and consumed with hate hate hate but I keep these tornadoes inside of me.

      I start building walls. Four pristine white walls that make a small room with only a single hanging light bulb to illuminate the room. I feel the harsh winds from outside. They knock down the walls and I start building again and again until they have calmed down.

      "We've been together since the start of college. And even though it's just a little over a year, this is it for me." Xavier speaks up and I hear my heart being torn to pieces. Hear it break break break, mend back together and break again and mend back together until there's nothing left to break or mend.

      Kate and Dina smile wishfully. "How I wish I'd find a love like that too," Kate says.

      And then Dina does the unthinkable and turns to me. "How 'bout you, Alice? Do you think you'll find a love like that?"

      Once in my life it has happened.

      Of course is what I say. I'mhappy just the way I am is what I tell myself. No no no no is what I want to say.

      And after that, to them everything is back to normal but to me, everything has sharpened. The memories him and I made became more vivid. Clearer, even. They way he held my hand and touched me and told me how beautiful I am and the way he always said that once we finish college together, we'll get married and figure everything out then.

     There are not enough ands in the world to describe the precious moments we shared. I loved him, he loved me. It was perfect; magical even. Straight out a fairy tale book.

      And then that's when everything went wrong, so so so wrong. Spiralled out of control. Down the drain and unable to come back.

      "It has been great but I have to leave early if I want the music room to myself for a couple minutes," I interrupt Kate's story telling with a sheepish smile.

     "Okay, sure. Have fun, Nace!" Dina hugs me while Kate gives me a wide smile. Kyla and Xavier say see you later with smiles and I have to paint a picture of happiness on the blank canvas that is my face.

      I walk for ten minutes to the sophomore performing arts building and easily locate the music room our class will use for the whole year on the second floor of the four floor structure.

      The building has numerous music and dance rooms as well as art studios and (as we call it) singing rooms. The ground floor is dedicated to the dance studios. The second for music. The third for the singing rooms and the fourth and last floor for the art studios.

      I enter room 205, the last room in the hall, and immediately  my eyes zero in on the individual cubbies at the back of the room; they're like lockers but without doors. Our names printed neatly on a name plate on top of each cubby in alphabetical order.

      I look for the K's and see mine. Klyde, Alice Nadine. I head straight for it. I settle my guitar case inside as well as my knapsack. I head to one of the music stands with my violin in my hand, free from its case. I place my composition notebook on the music stand and flip the notes to Secrets by One Republic.

       I tuck the violin under my chin and raise my elbows and hands into their proper position. I breathe out and ready the violin bow. I'll be singing in my head today so there's no need to prepare my voice.

       I start to play the opening chords. It was a cold tone; haunting and hollow. Beautiful.

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Something that I can't confess

And now my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
I come by it
Honestly, I swear

Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
I'm sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time, don't need another perfect lie
Don't care if critics ever jump in line
I'm gonna give
All my secrets away

Got no reason
Got no shame
Got no family
I can blame

Just don't let me disappear
I will tell you everything

     

© SecretDiamond