Heaven is a place on earth

4- lifetime in repeat

--Okay so a quick TW: slight mention of an intrusive thought about suicide and talk of intrusive thoughts in general. Please skip this chapter if you are uncomfortable with that. --

Feliciano woke up the next day, stetching in his bed. Then sitting up looking at the floor. He must've been out like a light. His feet were a little sore from dancing. worth it. He got up, pulling out some clothes to put on. He knew how much Lovino hated it when he slept in even with a later shift. Acting like every problem he could ever have was caused by being lazy. And nothing else besides his own fault. Sounds Pretty messed up, but he got the messege.

Feliciano once dressed stepped down the stairs, delighted at the smell of pancakes wafting from the kitchen. That food made up for his brothers bitching tenfold. "Goodmorning!" He looked at his brother with a soft smile. "Someone wants me to have a full stomach."

His brother just set a plate at the table, pulling out a chair for him. His hair was messy, whisked up like he hadn't cared to brush it. "Goodmorning Feli." He said, grabbing a bowl of powdered sugar and setting it on the table. "You look too scrawny no?" He asked, grabbing his own food then sitting across from the other.

Feliciano just raised an eyebrow "sorry?" He asked then chuckled looking at him like he was crazy. Cross that off his list, the first insult of the day. "I am very satisfied. Muscles or not. Nice concern Fratello." He took a bite of his food eyes practically rolling back. "Mmm." He hummed dramatically, the other smiling slightly from that.

"Do you have to work today?" Lovino asked, wiping the corner of his plate with a napkin to avoid getting syrup on his sleeve.

Feliciano put his fork down, looking at his watch. It was 8:27, not too bad. "Mhm. An 8 hour shift. Starts at 9." He was glad he didn't wake up too late to where he'd have to hurry. It wouldnt matter anyway though, there wasn't much leniency unless he woke up before the sun did. He wished he could just soak up the sun, it was such a pretty day already. A day that would just be wasted being cooped up inside his work.

Lovino cleared his throat, stabbing a bite of pancakes with his fork. "I could never do that. your job. Sounds like the most boring shit on earth if you ask me." He stuck the bite in his mouth.

"Well its not luxurious." Once done Feliciano stood up, moving over to rinse his dish and then going right back upstairs to get ready. "Oh almost forgot, thank you Lovi!" He called down, just getting silence from the other.

Feliciano walked back in his room sighing, combing through his hair with his fingers. Work. Thats all he ever really did. That's all he had to do. But for that being the only thing he had to do, it sure made it hard for him to wake up some mornings.

They needed the money. It wasn't like they didn't have to pay rent on this house, it used to be their parent's but they never fully payed it off. Whatever, A 9-5 job was the most american thing there was.

The redhead grabbed his coat pulling it on and grabbing his keys. Checking his watch again, trying to plan out if he'd have time to get gas or if he'd just go on the way home.

He decided it didnt matter. Walking downstairs and putting his boots on then leaving.

"Well this will be a day."

And as he guessed, this day sure was something. Being sworn at by literal kids and having a gluestick thrown right at the middle of his forehead. It was exhausting. He was underpayed, and it was getting humiliating at this point.

He sipped a soda as he drove home, trying to push down the feeling he always got. Every single drive home.

Failure.

It used to be just a word to him. A word that when he heard didn't cause him to absolutely spiral. Those were the good days though, he wanted those days back. The days him and his brother didn't have a care in the world, they felt love every single day. Hell, even on the dark days they knew they were loved. He knew if something could go wrong at any second, hed have a full fledged support system. It didn't have to be his his family. It could be having actual friends, people to call when you just needed to hear someone speak. To talk you down in your worst hours.

Feliciano knew what others probably thought, he had Lovino so why should he feel alone? Some people have no one! Well, he was pretty close to that. Even Lovino seemed preoccupied by some sort of issues. Lovino had a few friends he'd have over, Francis and Antonio. But they were there for him and only him. Not Feliciano.

Lovino had a support system, at least compared to Feliciano. What was he supposed to do, go out of his way to make friends? Trying to do so felt like manual labor. Hed tried it over and over. He was too exhausted to do it anymore.

Sometimes he wanted to crash his car, completely floor it and swerve. He would never, but like an intrusive thought it stayed on his mind. but the sad thing is if it was Lovino or him who did it. Who would have the tools to deal with it?

Maybe that thought wasn't so distant.

These intrusive thoughts plagued him. The world had too many possibilities. How was he supposed to just be there and watch, it was inevitable the next bad thing was on its way. Was it going to be today? Tommorow? A week from now? He knew it was incomprehensible just how many things could happen to him and his brother. The thought was stuck in his mind, not knowing normal people didn't think like that.

What if one day he had enough and just quit his job? What then?

Feliciano soon parked, longing to just lay in his bed and sleep. It didn't feel like 5, it felt like midnight. He couldn't fake it for his brother, not today.

He slowly opened the front door to avoid making noise. No use though, as his brother sat at one of the couches in the living room. "Ah, you're home. Wipe your dirty ass shoes on the mat. How was work?" He asked, looking at him with an eyebrow raised.

Feliciano just sighed, taking his shoes off. "It was good! A kid through a gluestick at my forehead and called me the f word. Not the regular one, the spicy one." He moved to stand infront of the stairs, rubbing his eyes.

His brother scoffed, hed slap the glue eating kids lights out. "You can't take that shit from them. I dont care if they pay you or how much of a dick your boss is." Feliciano just shrugged, its not like that would help. They're kids after all. "You know you said the same stuff back then Lovi." Feliciano began to walk up the stairs.

Lovino checked his watch. It was only 5:30? Why did the other seem so exhausted??? "Dinners in the oven..." The brunette mumbled, same old Feliciano.

Feliciano just went up to his room flicking his light off laying down. Not even changing into his pajamas. He didn't have the energy to. He curled up a bit, pulling his blankets over himself.

Dinner could wait, like it did almost every night. Everything was normal. He was normal. His self discipline was out of line. If he didnt have the energy then guess what? He didn't take care of himself. It was more trouble then it was worth.

He wanted someone to think he deserved it all, but that was his version of a fairytale ending.