Fool's Gold [styles au]

letter [3]

It's me, again. I actually have a pathetic story for you this time. You will laugh at it -at me- at how stupid I'm being, but I don't care. I might as well tell you anyway, right?

Two nights ago, as I laid in my bed trying to let sleep takeover, I thought of the same thing I always do before I fall asleep; you. All I could think about was how I used to cradle your delicate body in my arms until we both fell asleep to the sound of each others light breaths and beating hearts. I wanted that back so desperately, I wanted you back. So I did something really stupid and pathetic, but that's what you do when you're in love. I went to the shops and bought the perfume you used to wear and smell so sweetly of. When we first met, I hated that smell, but somewhere along the way it grew on me, and now it's my favourite scent in the world; it's the scent of you. As I went to sleep that night, I sprayed your perfume onto a pillow and clung it tightly to my broken chest. I let my eyelids fall shut as I, just for a minute, pretended it was really you. I tried to pretend that you never left me, that we were still in love and still together. I imagined it was your precious body I held tightly in my cautious arms, no some dumb pillow- but it wasn't the same.

Of course it wasn't. I mean, how could it be? If you're even reading these desperate letters right now I bet your laughing at me. I don't blame you.

Sometimes I laugh at myself too; at how pathetic and broken I am without you. You hold so much power over me, you know that? I should be scared of that, but I just can't be because my love for you is far to deep. I do however, wish you would just come back, or at least tell me what I did to make you leave. You never came back and I don't know why. Did I say something? Is it because of how I treated you? Was I not good enough for you? Not smart enough, not tall enough, too ugly? You could've have at least left me a message. Would that have been so fucking hard? Obviously it was...

This is all my fault, isn't it? If I didn't do whatever it was I did to fuck this up, we'd still be together, wouldn't we? You were too good for me anyway. I'm surprised you didn't leave sooner. You were too good to be true. Things that good never last.

I hate myself, you know? I really do fucking hate myself so damn much, and I'm an emotional wreck right now. I'm so angry at myself for being such an idiot. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate that I let you leave. I hate that I still love you. I hate that I ruined our relationship. I hate that I wasn't good enough for you. I hate that if I was smarter, funnier, better looking you might not have left. I hate that I'm never going to be good enough. I hate that I'm worthless and stupid. I hate that I'm not perfect. I hate that this is my fault. I hate Harry. I fucking hate him!

I hate him.