How It Feels To Be Lost

Kellin screamed into the void of his empty house. He'd been secretly in love with his best friend Vic Fuentes for years, but he'd always been too scared to make a move. Now, Vic was having a baby with his girlfriend of only a few months.

"Why didn't I just tell him how I feel?" Kellin yelled, kicking over a chair.

Kellin walked into his home office and grabbed a pen and his songwriting journal. He started crying as he wrote the lyrics of a new song. He sat there for over an hour perfecting the lyrics. Vic had been calling him, but he ignored it and kept working. After he was finished with the lyrics, he texted the rest of the band requesting their help with the music for it.

By the next morning, Kellin's frustrations towards Vic had been turned into a new Sleeping With Sirens song. Since they were almost finished with an album, he decided to release it in the new album.

Vic called Kellin once again and he finally decided to answer.

"What is it, Vic?" Kellin spat angrily.

"Why are you mad at me Kellin?" Vic asked. "And why have you been ignoring me?"

"I'm not mad at you," Kellin huffed, sitting down at his laptop again. "I'm mad at myself. I'm not ready to talk about it. I want you to come to my show when I perform my new song. You'll understand more then."

"Okay," Vic sighed. "See you there, I guess."

*****

Kellin stood on the stage for the first time in months. He'd requested for Vic to be backstage as they played their new song for the first time. As he was headed to the stage, Vic stood in the hallway waiting for him.

"Kellin," Vic spoke softly. "Good luck. I can't wait to hear the new song."

"Yeah," Kellin nodded, starting to walk again. "It's gonna be great to get it out there finally."

Screams erupted from the crowd as Kellin and the rest of his band made their way onto the stage.

"We've got a new song for you today," Kellin announced. "It's called 'How It Feels To Be Lost' and it's about this friend I fell in love with that ended up with someone else because I never told them how I felt. It's too late now, so this song reflects my feelings about it."

Life is walking on a tightrope

With nothing but a blindfold

It's a long way, it's a long way down

I'm, yeah, I'm a little crazy

But can you really blame me?

It's a long way, it's a long way down

For every step that I take

I take two steps back

It's like a punch to the face

It's like a knife right in the

(Knife right in the, knife right in the...)

It's like a knife right in the back

Like a bullet to the head

Why can't I understand?

The blood is on my hands

Now I'm standing on the edge

With nowhere to go

This is how it feels, this is how it feels

How it feels to be lost, lost

I've been stranded in an ocean

Treading water but it's hopeless, hopeless

It's a long way, it's a long way down

Why am I always on the brink of losing it all?

Am I just wasting my time?

It's a long way, it's a long way down

For every step that I take

I take two steps back

It's like a punch to the face

It's like a knife right in the back

Like a bullet to the head

Why can't I understand?

The blood is on my hands

Now I'm standing on the edge

With nowhere to go

This is how it feels, this is how it feels

How it feels to be lost

Lost

Lost

And it's a long way down

And it's a long way down

Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I put myself through hell?

And will I ever understand?

The blood is on my hands

(Knife right in the, knife right in the...)

It's like a knife right in the back

Like a bullet to the head

Why can't I understand?

The blood is on my hands

Now I'm standing on the edge

With nowhere to go

This is how it feels, this is how it feels

How it feels to be lost, lost

How it feels to be lost

Kellin took a deep breath to calm him so they could finish the rest of their set. The whole time, he just wanted to know how Vic reacted to the new song. Once they were finished, he wasted no time running backstage.

"Vic," Kellin wrapped his arms around the older boy. "You're still here."

"I'm sorry," Vic hugged him tightly. "I didn't know you felt that way about me. No wonder you were so hurt when I told you about the baby."

"I just want you to be happy," Kellin said as they let go of each other. 

Vic took a deep breath and nodded. "I am."

"Okay," Kellin walked away, heading back to the tour bus. Vic called his name, but Kellin ignored him. He'd known all along that Vic didn't love him, but he just needed to get out all of those bottled up feelings. Now he had, and that was step one.