She

Chapter 1

Happy holidays, cheers 🥂

"It's always the same. The same nightmare of a woman holding her child, and... and in pain. And... and they kill her, and then I see the sky brightens with lights, and a deafening scream... of... of a man that always wakes me up."

Looking away, I didn't want to make any possible eye contact with Dr.Louis, my therapist, and I had noticed during sessions how her curious eyes shadowed with disbelief, gradually replacing with... boredom, and sneakily eying her wristwatch was a clear signal for me to either shut my mouth or try to babble more convincing than these nonsenses each session.
My eyes finally stopped on the simplest nothing in this room, the wooden picture frame on her table, wondering how many minutes were left to escape this dull room until next week, every damn Thursday, every damn week.

"Are you nervous?"

I glanced at her in bewilderment and following her probing eyes I found myself pinching my lips in a vain attempt to ease the plaguesome sensation that was slowly reaching to the surface, to have me a crying mess. "No... No, I'm fine."

"Well Mrs. Wilson, if we go through your health reports, we will find the same sentences about your nightmare, with the same details. As you said it all has started since your miscarriage. Turning points can be so traumatizing that lead some to depression, anxiety and can affect mental health. In your case, it is the miscarriage."

My hand snaked down towards my stomach, in the most feasibly natural way, as if acting unknowingly to touch a vacant nest, wounded enough to yank my heart to the unlit night that an unknown whisper pierced into my dreams, "You will not bear any other man's child, except Evr...", ghostly fading away and waking me up bleeding... losing my...

Sensing her inquiring gaze I fisted my hand and swiftly brought it up to tug a strand behind my ear, cursing my trembling fingers inwardly to give away my tumble.

"Can you tell me more about your sexual relationship with your husband?"

"Umm... we... we aren't that... intimate."

Ah, How I despised myself for the inane weakness that caused my cheeks to burn in embarrassment, to step inside my marriage privacy, therapist or not, to mock me so damn directly that I... I hadn't let Blake touch me for more than a month, and almost everyone was aware, and now Dr.Louis also been added to Blake's list.
How cretinous.

"Can you talk about it?"

That clipped tone of her, indicating my place as her patient, and the vivid expectancy in her voice made me feel unsafe, blinking rapidly to hold back the touch of warm tears on my skin, and recalling all unwanted touches, all releasing deep inside my womb to make what we had lost, again as if some animal pursuing the nature's routes, as if it wasn't a living creature losing its beating life in the drops of blood, and Blake... made this most private matter to rot and the smell had been reached to everyone's noses.

Face your problems and get help from others.
His meaningless philosophy.

"No..."

"But we should talk about your problems, silence won't help you, Mrs.Wilson. " Sounding so bored she took her pen to write on my files, no doubts the same words as every week, useless ones, and freedom was just seconds away, to deeply inhale and step into my sheltered world.

"Next session will be on Thursday, as always, and continue your medication. Well, we're done here. see you."

Her thin unattractive smile was an essential necessity to make me stand up and take my coat, not even interested to say goodbye, not even whispering it, as I wasn't here of my own will.