five plus one times

Chapter 6: Absence

Mitch was standing in the hallway of Scott's humble mansion, rocking back and forth on his heels absentmindedly, taking in the view. The Hoying-Manio household wasn't too large, but it certainly was very nice, and Mitch found himself noticing all the little details hidden in every nook and cranny, showing the gentle and affectionate love that Scott and Mark held for one another. From framed photos to cliche romantic gifts laid on shelves for display, the large and sleek house Scott had originally bought when they moved out of the Superfruit house had been turned into a cozy and pleasant home ever since Mark had moved in.

"You okay, Mitch?"

The voice was familiar, and it sent a wave of chills down his spine. Of course the voice was Scott's, who was standing in the entrance of the hallway, arm wrapped around Mark affectionately. The rest of Pentatonix was already gathered in the living room, talking excitedly. Mitch had yet to join them, having arrived later than everyone else. He had said it was because of the traffic, but no one ever went out that much anymore, so Mitch was sure they all knew he had been lying.

In reality, he had spent about a half hour restlessly pacing the length of his house, (still a bit unorganized from just having moved in a few months prior), fighting his anxiety over this music video shoot. A music video shoot wasn't what he was anxious about of course, he wasn't the least bit camera shy. It was the fact that this particular music video shoot was going to take place in the Hoying-Manio household.

And what frustrated Mitch the most was that he had no idea why his anxiety was spiking all of a sudden. He wasn't intimidated or afraid of Mark. Mark was kind and sweet and gentle and respectful and very friendly towards Mitch. They hadn't talked much, but when Mitch had been hanging out with Scott earlier in the year, he had been calm and collected, and a wonderful host to Mitch, always welcoming and accommodating. Maybe Mitch hadn't been anxious earlier because he had Beau and Scott had Mark. And now, Mitch had no one.

Eventually, Mitch had gathered his courage and left for Scott's house. And here he was, still shaking off feelings of apprehension. He felt like an intruder, for some reason, as if no one wanted him here, even though his closest friends and bandmates were all gathered in the other room, waiting for him.

Mitch realized he had left Scott and Mark waiting and turned to them quickly, raising his eyebrows. "Yeah," he said half-heartedly. "I'm fine. Your house looks amazing, by the way. You've done a lot more to it since I was here last."

Scott chuckled. "Thanks," he said smiling, and pride was shining in his eyes. "Sometimes I'll spend hours shopping online for the most random little things, but Mark doesn't mind, he thinks they're cute."

Mark grinned, squeezing his boyfriend's hand. "Yeah you're lucky you're cute, spending all that money." He turned towards Mitch. "Quarantine has made him a little crazy, if you couldn't tell."

Mitch smirked. "I'm not surprised."

Mark laughed, his eyes shining with love when he looked at Scott. "I'm going to go make everyone some drinks, okay?" He informed Scott and Mitch.

"Thanks babe, that'd be great!" Scott exclaimed "We'll join the rest of you guys in a bit?"

Mark nodded, planting a quick kiss on the blond's cheek before heading back towards the kitchen.

Scott's blue eyes were still shining and his cheeks were still rosy as he walked over closer to Mitch. As he stepped closer, Mitch could feel his throat becoming constricted, suddenly feeling overcome with emotions that he didn't quite understand or even want to decipher the meaning of. He wanted to cry or scream or laugh, he wasn't exactly sure, but he swallowed his feelings and raised his head to meet Scott's gaze, which was becoming more worrisome by the second.

"Seriously though Mitch, are you okay?" Scott asked, his voice dropping to a hushed whisper.

Mitch furrowed his brow, darting his eyes so they didn't meet the blue eyes staring into him. Scott had always been able to see through him, but they weren't the same anymore. Scott didn't need to know how Mitch felt, especially when Mitch didn't understand his own feelings at all anymore. "I'm fine. Why, what made you ask?" Mitch said, his tone unintentionally snappy.

Scott's reaction was one of hurt. Now it was his turn to dart his gaze away from Mitch. "I was just making sure you were okay, you know. I care about you. You know that right? And besides, this year has been incredibly hard on everyone, so I'm not expecting you to be okay right now."

Mitch blinked in surprise, some kind of strange feeling blossoming inside his chest at Scott's words. Why was it so surprising to hear that his best friend still cared about him? Could they even still call themselves best friends? Were they too different? Too separated? Or was there some invisible string of fate that was tying them together, making their bond inseverable and their destinies forever intertwined?

And why did he feel so damn lonely all the time? His anxiety made him feel constantly overwhelmed and surrounded but his depression was there to remind him that nothing was real, nothing would last and he was constantly, irreversibly, and irrevocably alone. He recalled the days where he could reach out to Scott for a hug, a heart-to-heart, a hand-holding, anything, to get his mind off of his inner demons. Those days had only been a few years ago, but to him they felt like millions. Standing here in the middle of the hallway, he couldn't even formulate the words to tell Scott the truth. He didn't want to be a burden, and he would feel terrible unloading his problems on Scott, who was clearly happier than ever and most likely didn't want to be brought down by the negative energy that came with playing therapist for Mitch Grassi.

So instead he forced a smile. He could feel his eyes watering with stinging tears, so he blinked furiously before turning his head to face Scott one final time before saying, "Scott, thank you for your concern, but I'm doing okay. I don't want you to worry about me."

Scott looked like he was going to argue, but Mitch smiled at him again, trying to prove he was alright. This seemed to reassure the blond, as he quickly shut his mouth.

This satisfied Mitch, although it left his heart heavy and his stomach churning with anxiety at keeping his emotions bottled inside for so long. He was smiling, but Mitch wasn't sure he would call it that. His smile never reached his eyes anymore.

As he turned and walked away, leaving the blond behind, he knew Scott knew the truth. But he didn't call out to Mitch to comfort him.

All the words of solace between them were absolutely silent.