The Moon Always Rises

Chapter 2

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima walked home together holding hands, as they always did. The weather was perfect, just a little bit cooler than it was inside, but Tsukki's hands were like ice.

"Let's stop at Sakanoshita for some buns. My treat," Yamaguchi said, unusually stern, as he gently tugged his boyfriend in the direction of the store.

A breeze passed by and Tsukishima tried not to shiver. "Okay, only if they have red bean." They went inside and Tsukki ordered two red bean buns, which Yamaguchi paid for. They ate them on the way home.

Yamaguchi watched his boyfriend take slow bites, almost as if it were painful. "Did you eat today?" he asked.

"Yes." Tsukki sounded as if he'd been accused of something.

"Good. What was it?"

"Toast. And a red bean bun. Your serves are getting much better than before." He changed the topic.

"Thank you Tsukki! Your receives were good too. Our senpais noticed."

The boys arrived at Tsukishima's house. They kicked off their shoes and Tsukki collapsed onto the couch, arms open for Yamaguchi to lie on top of him. He felt the blood rush to his head. Yamaguchi gave him a kiss and then rested on his lover's chest. His belly was noisy. "Does your stomach hurt?" Tadashi asked. 

"A little bit." He reached for the remote and turned on the television. It was a rerun of something they've already seen, but it made for some nice background noise. "It hurts to eat sometimes." Tsukishima struggled to hide his shame. 

"You're relapsing," Tadashi whispered after a moment's hesitation, "I should have noticed sooner." He heard Tsukki's heart speed up.

"Am not. I'm just not that hungry lately. Maybe I'm coming down with something," he bluffed.

"I saw the way you moved on that court today. Forgive yourself." Yamaguchi pleaded.

Tsukishima always pushed himself especially hard on days he ate breakfast. He felt like he had to make up for it. Dizziness meant he was doing well. Being off-balance was a sign of strength because it meant that he could persevere, even when his body was failing him. This was his way of showing himself he was in control. He took a shaky breath. "You can always see right through me, can't you?" He sounded defeated.

"How long has it been?"

He stayed silent. Yamaguchi craned his neck to look up at his boyfriend's blank expression. They stared at each other until he finally answered, "What I do to myself is my business, not yours." Tadashi's face scrunched up and he returned to his original position, mostly to stop himself from crying.

"Sorry Tsukki. I love you. Let's watch something nicer." He hugged him closer before reaching for the remote and flipping through the channels. "Tangled!" he exclaimed, excited to see that Tsukki's favourite movie was on, even though they missed the beginning. "Sing with me."

Heal what has been hurt.

Change the fates' design.

Rapunzel's voice soothed Tsukishima a little bit. He'd never admit that he liked these movies, but he couldn't hide anything from Tadashi. He was outed months ago, when Yamaguchi was sitting beside him as "I Just Can't Wait to be King" played just a little bit too loudly from his cheap headphones. Tadashi remembered making some snide joke about the King of the Court.

Save what has been lost,

Bring back what once was mine.

Yamaguchi hugged his boyfriend close as his face kept heating up. He knew he couldn't force his boyfriend to get better. He couldn't help someone who didn't want to be helped. Tsukki did not like to be pushed by other people. This had to be done at his pace, and all Yamaguchi could do was try his best to be a good influence. He heard a rumble come from deep within Tsukki's body.

What once was mine...

He thought about him and Tsukishima as kids. When he was picked on for his appearance, Tsukki stepped in. His hero, who wasn't scared of anything. The boy who was always in control of himself and never intimidated by anyone. The one who always seemed completely unfazed by most things.

‿︵‿︵ʚ˚̣̣̣ɞ・❉・ ʚ˚̣̣̣ɞ‿︵‿︵

Tsukishima could get attached to movies, music, dinosaurs... things that could never leave him. They were predictable and always there. He trusted Yamaguchi with his life, and he loved him more than he's loved anyone. But when you're at the cliffs edge, even if you know someone's there to catch you, it's still scary. And he was more scared of himself than anything else.

How could he tell so easily? I even ate right in front of him... It's normal for your stomach to make noises after you eat.

The first time things got really bad was in middle school. He knew he'd grow taller than everyone else because it ran in the family. His older brother played volleyball at a powerhouse school and he felt like he needed to keep up with him. He needed to be tall and lean, like a proper athlete. That's when he started fixating on his looks.

I'm nothing without my body.

He liked the way he looked now. It was really hard and took him a long time to become okay with it. Tsukishima honestly didn't know why he fell back into his old patterns. It felt the same. The hunger pains were unbearable, until they weren't. And eventually they'd go away and it would hurt more to eat than it would to not eat. This was when he started to smell bad and feel dizzy and cold all the time. But it was different from before.

What am I scared of?

He felt hopeless and confused, although he took a strange comfort in the familiarity of the situation. It was one of the only times he felt certainty--the moon rises every day, eventually you will die, hunger will always hurt. He let himself wonder how bad it could get for him. Part of him really wanted to hit rock bottom, to be a complete wreck. See how much of it he could take before he gets hospitalized. It was a sick game to play.

Last time he starved, it was middle school, and Tadashi didn't know until it was over. He was too young to be that sick, and his friend was too naive to know what was happening. He was spiraling again, but this time both boys knew better.

That only made him feel worse.

I'm weak.