𝐁𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐤

10⇢...

HER

I feel nothing.

Words ring my head, telling me what to do and what not to do. My mind is the master, and I am the puppet. I am not controlled by myself. I am not in or of myself. Everyday is a struggle for a release of pain. I do not want to feel anymore.

Is eternal silence asking for too much? The sound of life overwhelms me.

Pill after pill.

Downing the contents of hundreds of orange bottles. Taking medication. A need — not just for physical stimulation but for normalcy and the want to fit in. Everyday, the need that I ache for eats me alive. Helpless for drugs. It is an addiction.

I wish to control myself.

My mind wanders out of myself and into the world I do not know. Aimlessly, my mind travels far away. My soul follows, leaving without a trace. My body feels lost, and my mind feels forgotten.

Exhaustion.

Energy leaves my body as I slowly drift into a pit of nothingness and insignificance. My power weakens me but rejuvenates me when I wake. Every word I utter, I keep from lashing out. Restraint. I feel empty.

Suspicions.

Eyes in the back of my head like I have done something wrong. Whispers in the back of the room echo in my ears like loud screams. Thoughts running wild at what I could be, but what am I? What can I become?

Pills, pills, pills.

Pills are what keep me remotely sane. When I am not, I sit in my room, staring at the wall or screaming at it. There is no in between. There is no grey area. I am black and white. Colorless.

Enemies.

They cannot know, but I want them to know. The TV was not live; I only changed the screen. Phones, televisions, computers, screens, screens, screens.

The blinding light burns through your eyes and leaves you only wanting more. Why?

My mind is a creek with hundreds of rocks. Many of them wavering, and not a single one is sturdy. You go before me to ensure I do not slip. I am selfish like this. I try to be humble and take the first step, but no matter where my toes touch, the rock wavers. I fall into the creek.

Electricity.

Burning through my veins, invading the blood, marking my body as its own. It invades my walls, breaking down the poor foundation but creates a new one, a stronger one, making me vulnerable. I feel powerful.

Powerful but weak.

I cannot control what I think, say, or do. When I can, I try to fit in. Try to be normal. Normalcy. A need. Drugs. Addiction. Exhaustion. Suspicion. Enemies. Control. Electricity. I cannot think.

Revenge.

My only thoughts. I want them to feel my pain. Everyday is a struggle to get these worthless humans to feel what I felt. Feel how afraid I was and how strong I became when I recognized my own strength.

Deception.

Not telling the truth consumes me. Telling lie after lie after lie is tiring, and it only digs my hole deeper every time. But I cannot escape it. No one must know. No one can find out the truth behind the lies I tell.

Life.

Life in general has never been easy. Being someone I am not is not easy either. I wish to be myself, but that has never been possible.

Ever since I escaped that hell of an asylum, I have had to pretend. Life is not about pretending though. You are meant to be yourself, and when I am not, it just feels wrong.

I try and try to just be like everyone else. Normal.

But I can't. And I fear I will never be.

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hey, y'all! hmmm... no chapter name... pov is her... and anxious thoughts! just giving a little insight into her mind. stay tuned for a normal chapter lol

also there's a quote in here from my good friend, journey, who is quite wise. love ya

be true to yourself, follow your heart, trust your gut ♡

- jess :)