practicing smiles || aone takanobu || DISCONTINUED

1

It's loud.

That buzzing sound from the lights overhead is so loud, and so is the clock and the breathing of my classmates and the way Futakuchi's leg shakes and everything is so loud. It's too loud and too bright and too quiet and too dark all at the same time and I can't take it, it's all just too much.

It's all too much and I'm tapping my middle finger against my thumb as quickly as i can and tugging at my eyebrows with my other hand and it's not helping. It's too much. It's too much, it's too much, IT'S TOO MUCH.

Several heads turned to face me, and I'm not sure why, all I know is their eyes feel like velvet to my skin and it makes my whole body scream.

"Aone-san, can you come with me?"

My sensei is too close to my face, uncomfortably close, and she looks as if she wants to touch my shoulder but I flinch away from her before she gets the chance. Within seconds Futakuchi is bowing in her direction, excusing both me and himself, and he's crouched in front of me while the teacher escorts the rest of the class outside of the room.

"Takanobu. Look at me."

I shake my head. Opening my eyes right now would be too much.

"Taka-chan, nobody else is in here. It's just you and me. You're safe, it's okay. You'll be okay, just do me a favour and look at me, alright?"

I peeked open one eye. When did I start rocking back and forth? There's Futakuchi. He looks tiny from here.

"Can you give me your left hand?"

I hesitate for a minute. I don't like being touched, but he's never hurt me before. Besides, he's asking first. If I let him touch me will I be okay or will I spiral more?

I nod. I hold my hand out to him and he takes it in his- firmly. He knows that I hate light touches, especially when I'm overstimulated.

"Good. I'm going to massage it a bit, okay? We're gonna start counting now, too."

I nodded again. He knows I'm mute most of the time, that talking feels physically uncomfortable for me, but he also knows when I need to do it.

"One."

His hands are soft.

"T-two," my voice is barely a whisper.

He smiles, I notice, as I open my other eye. I'm still rocking a bit, and my fingers on my right hand are still tapping, but my eyes are open and that's a start.

"Three."

I take my first deep breath in what feels like ages.

"F-f-four."

My pulse starts to slow down, and things are getting less hazy.

"Five."

My rocking distance is shorter and the tempo is slower.

"Six," and this time it's a complete word, even if it's still barely more than a whisper.

"Seven."

He took my other hand.

"Eight."

His smile got bigger when we made eye contact.

"Almost there. Nine."

I sat up straight, finally.

"Ten."

"There we go. I told you that you were safe."

I nodded and looked away. I can't hold eye contact for too long.

"Let's go see coach, okay? I'll have him tell Sensei what happened."

I stood at the same time as Futakuchi, who gathered his things while I waited by the door. We started walking down to the gym, one of the few places I rarely get overstimulated, and opened the doors to the locker room, where Coach Oiwake was in his adjoined office.

Futakuchi had me sit alone while he talked to Coach. I can hear the hum of electricity from the lights, the janitor whistling in the gym, that one sink with the leaky faucet. The sounds are amplified in my ears- to the point that I'm instantly digging in my bag for my headphones.

The second I put them on my ears, the world slows. I scroll through my phone to find the perfect playlist, one with songs that make me calm down and songs that make me happy stim.

I'm not sure how long I was sitting when I felt a strong hand on my shoulder, one too big to be my best friend's.

"Aone. Can I talk to you?"