practicing smiles || aone takanobu || DISCONTINUED

2

"What did coach want?"

I shoved the papers coach gave me in his direction, looking down more so than usual. Futakuchi took them from me, a lot gentler than how I handed them to him.

"Tana-chan! This is amazing! Why do you look so glum?"

I don't want to say it. I don't want to talk at all. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under my kitchen table and rock back and forth until I fall asleep. I want all of this, but I am too big for the table now and Futakuchi is looking at me without pity and I need to tell him.

I need to tell him, but there is a lump in my throat impossible to swallow down. I can't force the words out, no matter how hard I try.

"Hey, Tana-chan, look at me, okay?"

This I can do, at least for a few seconds.

"You're gonna be okay. I promise. The teachers in that class are a lot better at helping people like you! Plus, I know a kid in that class. He's really friendly. I think you'll like him."

I don't want to be in a class without you, Futakuchi.

I think Futakuchi is a mind-reader or something. Every time I get this quiet, he always seems to know what to say. I'm not sure how he does it.

"I might not be in class with you, sure, but we can still eat lunch together and hang out after school and on weekends. We are best friends, after all. I wouldn't just ditch you, you know that."

I can feel myself nodding, but it's like I'm disconnected from my own body.

Practice is starting.

I'm sweating, but it's like I can't feel myself doing any of the work. I'm a whole different person, watching myself from a higher perspective, like a camera filming a movie. I am existing in third-person, at least for a short while, and it's terrifying, but also comforting. Like sometimes I can afford to take a step back.

I'm not ready for tomorrow.

Tomorrow, when I start a whole new class with new people and away from Futakuchi.

I don't do well with change.

Oh, practice is over.

Time to go home, I guess.

Sweat smells gross.