I Don't Know Yet

Chapter I: I'm Scared

First day of February: the beginning of love month.  I hate it.  I’m bitter.

Edric replied to my message when I told him that I hate February, “Just relax, my friend.”

How can I feel good about this month?  Weekend night’s program is showing nicest stories about couples, wedding proposals and sacrifices for the sake of love.  Seriously?  Sacrifices?  Big word. Very big that I could not even carry it with my two arms.

Why is the world so unfair?  It has already been 2-years when my ex-boyfriend left me without a clear explanation.  Marga and his first ever boyfriend is now planning for their wedding.  Jericho, my best travel buddy is going strong with his working-student boyfriend.  My best friend, Kim, who is now pursuing her career abroad, already reconciled with that basketball player.

Gosh!  I was reminded how hurt she was the last time we met and I was the one comforting her saying it’s okay.  Really, it’s not okay.  How can someone be okay when you’re betrayed by your boyfriend while you’re being faithful all this time?

Enough about it.  I’ve moved on.  I’m happy now.  Especially this time that I have freedom to do whatever I want to do. 

“Look for a new lover,” Nathan said over the phone.

“I’m scared,” I answered.

“Scared of what?  You’re already 30 years old, Anj.”

“You know, I’ve been traumatized with my past relationship.  He was my companion for almost a decade and he just left me without justifiable reason.”  Well, I guess nothing will justify what that man did to me.  The thing is, I don’t want to enter into a relationship again.  Not this time.

“Look at yourself.  You have a pretty face.  Well, you don’t have a perfect body but it’s acceptable.  Isn’t a waste if you’ll end up being alone with your books inside your pad?”, he mocks.

“Yeah, I know.  That’s why I’m doing a 5-km run thrice a week now.  You’ll be shocked when you see me again.”

Is it really my fault?  Everyone gained pounds after Christmas and New Year holidays, right?  Plus the fact that my company is giving us 2-weeks long vacation every year.

Actually, I decided to have braces right after I went to my parent’s home.  Jericho and I accidentally watched an interview of Toni Gonzaga when she was asked how can she be so skinny.  Toni said it’s because she has difficulty eating due to her braces.  Thus, before the year ended, the two of us have our own braces.  But it’s all a lie!  It has been difficult only for the first 4-days.  Maximum.  So I wasn’t able to keep myself from indulging with the festivities that happened during my vacation.  The purpose of having braces - TOTAL FAILURE.

Nathan laughed out loud.

“See? What I am trying to say is that you’re gorgeous enough to be single, Anj.  Yet your self-esteem is too low for you to recognize it.”  I can’t imagine if he’s sincere or not.

“Is there anyone showing any interest in you?” he asked.

“Well, I guess I’m very attractive with old men,” I laughed.

“Like Boss Eroll?” Nathan sighed. Sir Eroll has been my not-so-secret admirer since my early days in the company when I am still assigned as the Finance Analyst in their division.  He is bold enough to tell his feelings in front of my guy friends, which they considered very hilarious.

“There was this guy in U-Division who’s sending me messages such as 'Love is patient. Love is kind.' Those kinds of things.  I asked my colleagues if they’re receiving the same message but they’re not.”

“There is also a guy in W-Division who told me to be careful of him as I looked like his ex-girlfriend.  He actually invited me in Facebook as a friend so I had to accept it.  Now he’s liking every single entry that I am posting.  He even put a comment on one of my posts, 'extra pretty'.”

“And the guard at our condo…” I stopped.  God, I don’t want to remember that security guard.  It was him who gave me a large white Toblerone and a small paper with his contact number.  It was so creepy that I don’t want to think about him.  Anyway, he’s now transferred to another condominium.

“But they’re all old men."

“Ohhh… I will look one for you,” Nathan insisted.

“Make sure he’s rich,” I said.

“Woah!  You have a very high standard, my friend.  Good looking guy should be enough.”

I said in my sweetest voice, “Good looking and rich guy, please.” 

“Marry your books!” Nathan gave up. We both laughed.

“Wait... I almost forgot."

"I also have this college friend of mine, named Edric.  He’s in abroad."

"Before, we’re chatting through Skype and Facebook messenger.  Lately, he’s sending messages through text while I'm replying to his roaming number.  Isn’t costly on his part?  I’m beginning to be suspicious since he’s also calling me now.  Maybe he’s just too homesick?  What do you think?”

“Ohhhhh, he knows your ex?”

“Yes.  He's a common friend.”

“When he’ll come home?”

“By July, if my memory serves me right.”

“You’ve never went out with him?”

“We watched a movie the last time he’s in the country.”

“What happened in the movie house?” I heard an excited voice and I can imagine Nathan's wide eye smile.

“Nathan!!!  What was supposed to happen in a movie house?  We just watched a movie, okay!”

Again, Nathan laughed out very loud.  He is one of my closest friends in R-Division, together with Justin and Sonnie.  We’ve been friends for more than 6-years that’s why we’re very comfortable with each other to the point that sometimes, they tend to forget that I am a woman.

“Anj, I’m home. “

“Alright!  It’s time to exercise, Nathan.”

“See you next week, lunch?”

“Sure.  Your treat.”

“Please contact Justin and Sonnie.”

“Bye!  Regards to Vivian.”

The next morning, I checked my Facebook and saw Edric’s message, “Anj, where are you working again?”

“In U-Pharma, Edric.  But I’m currently located here at B-Plaza, in front of G-Mall. Why?”

He's not responding.  Why?

On the other hand, I'm eagerly waiting for his response.  Why?

Hell no!!!  My mind was instantly consumed with thoughts about the upcoming Valentines Day.  Is he planning to send me a gift?  A bouquet of flower?  Wait, I remember a conversation we had last week and I mentioned that I love chocolates, especially Ferrero.  No way.  Please, no.