Everything but nothing.

February 2nd

Monday. A new week, a new start, a new anxiety attack. Why? Why do I have to feel so bad with myself? Why so I feel I am not worth it, that I can't pass a single philosophy test? Maybe the answer is easy, maybe I just want to be the best but make myself get sick of that perfectionism. Or maybe it isn't that easy, things can go further. Is not always black or white there are also a million shades of grey.
People will always say "Relax. Take it easy! Is just a test." but we all know it is not! It's my life, my future. One fail and I'll be working at a gas station or McDonald's for the eternity. I've tried meditation, mindfulness, seeing a therapist, taking pills for anxiety. Nothing works. Nothing.
It is all inside me, in my head, that little big organ that makes us humans. Is easier for ones but harder for the others. You can stop, you can just be tired of all that learning cycle where you end up feeling depressed and down. But then you'll be the stupid one. It doesn't matter if you're the stupid sister/brother, friend, fiancé, or whatever. The thin is... you'll stupid. That's what they want you to think! That's what society wants you to feel like so it can be easier for them to use you. But let me tell you it is not true.
I know a lot of stupid people who have studied in the best schools or universities, but they would pay for that. And then here I am. I won't say I'm a genius, because I am not, I even think I'm one the stupidest persons in the world, but the worst is that I have no money to pay for my degrees and notes. I am no one. My dad is no one. My mum is no one. We are all no one in a life led by some ones, the ones that move all the money in the world. The ones that use us as puppets, as if we were cattle.
We need to change that. We need to stop and think. Say "NO!" When we want! And say "YES!" When we feel like it!