The Other Side of Sorrow

The Weariest Soul

"Your Majesty," Torin said pointedly, drawing Kai out of that hazy place his mind often wandered to.

Kai's eyes snapped to attention, making contact with the seven other world leaders gathered around the table. All six Earthen Leaders, and the new Grand Minister of Luna were together, digitally of course, and all six of his companions were staring at him.

"My apologies," Kai said, his face warming with embarrassment. He wished more than anything that Cinder was with him in this meeting as she had been over the past couple years. But now that she was no longer Queen and not yet Empress, she wasn't invited to the meetings. Not that they'd actually been together, but it had been nice to know that there was one person in this group of sharks that wasn't actively trying to rip his head off every chance they got. She, too, suffered at the hands of these older leaders, with them scrutinizing his every move due to his age and past decisions.

"As I was saying," Queen Camilla continued, giving Kai the stink eye as she warbled on about funds for Earthen-Lunar travel. He just couldn't seem to focus on a single thing anyone was saying, no matter how hard he tried. He needed to be somewhere that wasn't here, though he wasn't sure where that was. It was all simply too much.

He clenched his hands beneath the desk, digging his nails into his palms. He gave a few remarks when they were necessary, but mostly tried to focus on not losing it in front of the World's most important people. He had the strangest urge to scream and cry and lay on the floor until he felt something other than all the tumultuous feelings raging within.

When the meeting finally drew to a close, Kai excused himself quickly, ignoring the annoyed look on Torin's face. If he didn't get out of this place, he would lose every scrap of dignity he had left.

Practically running down the palace halls, Kai made it to his room and closed the door behind him just as the tears began to fall. He leaned his back against the door, shaking with the crushing weight of it all.

It was strange how some days it all felt okay. How there were times when he could make it through a meeting without feeling as if he wanted to die, and contribute his thoughts without losing his mind. Because there were days when nothing felt wrong.

But no matter how many good days there were, the bad days never stopped coming.

At first he had convinced himself that they would stop eventually; that after the events of the war, all his struggles with himself would eventually fade, just as the plague was slowly erased from Earth. But it didn't work like that. Of course, as the years went on, the good days had become more frequent than the bad, but it still hurt. Thinking about the past, thinking about the future, thinking itself was killing him.

Because no matter how much time passed, Kai had still lost his father. Kai had still had to watch millions of people die because he was incompetent and incapable of finding a way to stop Levana. Kai had still had to marry a woman twice his age and worry about the consequences of such a relationship pertaining to himself and his nation. All the pain had not magically disappeared with time.

"I can't, I can't, I can't," Kai whispered to himself, rubbing a hand over his eyes. He wasn't even sure what he couldn't do, but his mind chanted those two words incessantly: I can't, I can't, I can't.

He let out a guttural sob, curling up on the floor as the tears flowed freely from his eyes. It had been only two days ago that he'd had his last panic attack, and while it wasn't unusual for them to be spaced so close together, it was always a terrible feeling. Even after the attack passed, he spent the rest of the day feeling wretched.

Closing his eyes, Kai tried to forget the pain within his chest and body and soul and think only of his breathing. Because if he could control that one thing, he could remember how to be himself once more— the Kai that everyone except himself knew and loved. The Kai that was only a shadow cast under the light of others around him.