The Other Side of Sorrow

Popped Balloon

Kai watched as Cinder read through a stack of heavy Cyborg Rights documents, pen pinched between her teeth and bangs falling into her concentrated eyes. Her hair was pulled up in her classic messy ponytail fashion that Kai had always found adorable despite its carelessness, and she wore his gray hoodie coupled with a pair of sweats that Kai was almost positive she had stolen from Thorne on her flight home to earth. He was jealous— as Emperor of the Eastern Commonwealth, Kai did not own a pair of sweatpants.

Cinder pulled the pen from her mouth and underlined something heavily, drawing extra lines beneath it as if it were the most important thing in the world. Kai couldn't help it— a little laugh escaped him.

Surprised, Cinder looked up, her eyes wide. "What? She asked.

"Nothing."

"Then why are you laughing?"

This only caused Kai to laugh further. It was late, and he felt happy. It had been three days since Cinder had discovered him on the bathroom floor, and somehow just the simple fact of her knowing of his panic attacks had relieved him of an immense amount of stress. Perhaps it was that he no longer needed to worry about hiding it from her, or just the simple relief of letting a secret go. Whatever the cause was, Kai felt wonderful.

Cinder rolled off the bed and stomped over to Kai's desk, arms crossed over her chest, though there was a slight tilt to the corners of her lips.

Kai reached his hands out to Cinder and she took them, lacing her fingers through his. She pulled Kai to his feet, and then her arms were around him, and his around her, and he just couldn't stop laughing. It was blissful and right— the first right thing in so long. He felt so high, as if he were up in the clouds, floating away from the Earth itself.

And then it was like a hand reached inside him and dragged him back to the ground. He dropped like a popped balloon. It was all so sudden, the change of emotions; a high followed by a sudden low.

Cinder pulled back, her eyes inquisitive, and it was only then that Kai realized he had stopped laughing. He wasn't sure when the laughter had ended, but now he wondered how it was possible that he had ever been capable of laughing.

"Kai," Cinder whispered, bringing a hand up to cup Kai's cheek— no, to wipe a tear away. When had he started crying?

He looked into her eyes and saw a question: was he ready to talk?

After his last panic attack when Cinder had found him and helped him out of it, he'd gone to bed, too tired for anything other than sleep. She hadn't pressed him for answers, and for that he was grateful. But he wasn't sure if he'd ever be ready to talk about it— to tell her all the pain that festered within him.

He closed his eyes for just a moment, reminding himself that if he didn't try, then it would always feel like this— this pain. If he didn't move toward healing, he would never mend his broken soul.

So Kai clenched his jaw, opened his eyes, and slowly nodded at Cinder.

***

"I just don't know why I'm like this," Kai said, his voice raspy and tired. He sat cross-legged on the bed, Cinder across from him, their knees brushing only slightly. In his left hand rested in Cinder's, so he used his right to swipe at his eyes. His cheeks burned, and he couldn't bear to look at her.

Cinder squeezed his hand tight. She had listened patiently, never interrupting as he laid his soul bare before her. But as she looked at him, her eyes softened.

"You had the responsibility of the entire Earthen Union placed upon your shoulders when you were only eighteen, Kai. You lost both your parents to a plague that an incredibly evil woman placed in your lands. And to top things off, you were forced into marrying that same woman, who was twice your age and preparing to murder you after the marriage.

"Things were hard for all of us during that time, but you had the whole world counting on you," Cinder said. "Humanity's expectations of me were to end up in a Lunar prison. Humanity's expectations of you were to save them from a tyrannical, manipulative, power-hungry queen. I cannot even imagine being in your place."

Kai was speechless. She hadn't made a single false statement, and yet, these were not the words he had expected. Had she truly noticed this— watched him through all the years and hardships? Did she really believe him to be strong?

"Stars, Kai," Cinder sighed. "I can't believe you've been living with all this weighing on you for two years. I hate that you've been suffering from this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate–"

Kai leaned forward and pulled Cinder to him. She was rigid as he held her, but within a few moments she let out a sigh, wrapping her arms around him in return.

"Thank you," Kai whispered, closing his eyes tight. "Thank you for being here for me."

"Kai," Cinder breathed his name in an almost painful manner. "I'll always be here. You and me, we're in this together now.

A little laugh choked out of Kai as a tear slid from his eye. It was the kind of laugh that was filled with only relief. He was no longer a popped balloon, though he wasn't soaring toward the sky either. His feet were firmly planted upon the ground; he wasn't flying, but he also wasn't sinking, and sometimes that was all a person needed. He was anchored by Cinder, and loved and understood by her as well, and that feeling was more wonderful than soaring toward the sky.

Kai pulled away from Cinder, swiping at his eyes. "We're in this together," Kai repeated, smiling as he said the words.

"You don't have to be alone anymore," Cinder said. "That doesn't mean it won't still be hard, but... you no longer have to suffer in silence."

Kai nodded, scratching behind his ear, nervous for his thoughts to spill out upon his lips.

"I think..." Kai trailed off, then cleared his throat. "I think I want to see a therapist— at least try it out. I think it might be good."

Cinder gave him a little smile, then leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "You might like it," she said. "It could be really good for you."

"Yeah," Kai said, letting out another one of those weird half laughs that only accompanied crying and nerves. He wasn't entirely sure what to do now— Cinder knew every detail of his past, and the terror he had faced. But she was still looking at him, just as she always had, and Kai knew that she would always be the foundation for which he could base his life on. She would ground him, and he would ground her, and together, they could be happy. Because after a whole lifetime of fear, simply being happy felt like the best thing in the world.

A grin tugged at Cinder's lips, almost mischievous as she watched him.

"What?"

"I was just thinking about how the kitchen staff has definitely gone to bed by now, and that I know where they keep the ice cream," Cinder said, her lips twisting as she tried to control her smile.

Kai let out a laugh, his heart a puddle of happiness. Then he grabbed Cinder's hand, and they raced off to the kitchens, laughing and happy and okay.