a cactus and a lily find a common pot to grow - trixya

Chapter 8: Part 3 - lonely if onlys

Katya hasn't had it easy since the incident . It's been about two weeks now, but could easily have been two decades. She hasn't slept well, she hasn't eaten well and she hasn't even smoked as much because all of her thoughts have been consuming her, and all of them have been about Trixie and whatever the fuck is going on between them now.

When she woke up to an empty bed that afternoon, her heart sunk with the familiar feeling of, well not abandonment, but of never having anyone there in the first place. She tried to text, she tried to call and she even tried to email the Barbie doll, but nothing seemed to reach her. And she told Adore everything, every single detail of that night, but it was hard to believe because no evidence that Trixie had ever been to their apartment existed. How can such a flamboyant drunk woman come and go like a ghost?

"Dude," Adore said, "can't wait to see what your Monday's gonna be like. Good luck."

Good luck indeed. Katya is in some deep trouble. She's been thinking about Trixie's smile a lot, even more than she did before. How she smiled as they talked about Broadway and feather boas, or when she made that joke about being loose again. It pains her because she realizes now that those were genuine smiles, crinkle under the eyes and everything, which means most of the other times she'd seen Trixie smile she didn't mean it. A bubbly girl with an alcohol problem and a thing for people she shouldn't even talk to. The prettiest, best-hidden mess Katya has ever seen in her entire life.

And what a mess she was, and yet, curiously enough, Katya has never seen anyone look so lovely as they cried on a bathroom floor. She has never seen anyone look so pure as they laughed at their own jokes. She has never seen anyone look so peaceful in their sleep or felt more at peace as she fell asleep next to them. Oh, fuck, she's in deep, deep trouble.

At least, she thinks, we didn't fuck. It's not like she didn't want to, she'd die to have Trixie's thighs to the sides of her head as she screamed Katya's name over and over, but it's not right to have sex with someone who isn't sober enough to tell you exactly what they want you to do to them, and Trixie was way past that point. She's not talking oh, I'm at the club and I've had like three vodka shots drunk, she's talking about I just dumped my abusive ex-boyfriend and probably ruined the rest of my life and also I think I have a huge lesbian crush on the coworker I thought I hated but it may be just sexual tension and maybe I don't even recognize who I am anymore oh look bubbles drunk.

Drunk people never know what they're talking about, it doesn't matter how many times she hears "drunk words are sober thoughts", well guess what Brenda, that's bullshit, unless you think a lot about "cauliflowers, but like... with glitter on them" when you're sober. Katya doesn't trust herself near a beautiful woman, but when that beautiful woman can't stand on her own two feet, it doesn't matter how Katya feels about her, what matters is that she can't assume the girl knows what they're getting into when she says yes to something. It's not consent if you don't know what you're saying yes to.

But the problem is, she thinks again, Trixie doesn't know that. She doesn't know Katya would never fuck anyone who can't say a proper yes, she might not even think that doing so is a predatory act since she has no real notion of what a healthy relationship looks like. And she also doesn't know that nothing happened between them. Nothing sexual at least.

So, Katya figures, her obliviousness is the reason why she has completely shut her out since the incident . Trixie turns around whenever Katya looks at her, she isn't arriving early anymore only to avoid them being alone together and she hasn't even opened any of Katya's texts. They have barely looked into each other's eyes, let alone established decent communication. It's been all about that one kid in the back who is too slow on choreography, Laila needing to get better at following the rhythm of the songs and, on one specific occasion, "did Ryan just draw a penis on that?"