a cactus and a lily find a common pot to grow - trixya

Chapter 10: Part 4 - i'll wear my third degrees and my heart upon my sleeve

The first time Katya heard Alexandra say "I love you", she felt the sunlight beaming through the window, warming her naked back and the other girl's heart racing after being fucked, and fucked good. The curtain was open, the sheets were dirty and there was a coffee stain on the wooden floor. They were twenty-two and the sun had come out for the first time that winter.

Katya didn't answer straight away. She kissed her girlfriend, felt the smile through it, then booped her nose with the tip of her index. "I love you too," she said, and she did. Absolutely everything felt like love at that moment. Whatever was playing on the TV they kept on just as a background noise, the smell of sex and old cigarettes, the soft touch of skin on skin and the slight feeling of sweat dripping between breasts and behind knees, the numbness of the toes and the warmth on the back of their necks. It all felt like love and being loved, and it was all beyond physical, it was spiritual, Katya could actually feel the love growing and radiating from her.

When Trixie told her, in her bathroom, after throwing up, that she thought Katya looked like art, her mind sent her back to Alexandra instantly. Not only did she look like art, she felt like art, she was art. Everything about her was translated into something beautiful and inexplicable and genuine. Walking art, that's what she was. She painted Katya's skin pink with blush from her words, traced her outlines in lust and loved her smoothly, like the swiftness of brushing up and down on a blank canvas until it became something. Katya became hers, only hers, and hers forever. "I love you", she said every day, morning, afternoon and evening, and every day she meant it.

Nothing was the same after the dinner at her parent's house. "I love her," Katya yelled, caught in the middle of the chaos. "I love her and that you can't change."

"Love?" Questioned the mother, raising her voice. "What do you know about love, Yekaterina? This that you claim to feel is nothing but lust. I never thought I'd live to see my daughter, my very own daughter becoming... scum. A sinner."

"Mom, I love her," Katya begged. "I do."

"You don't know what love is. Your kind of people don't feel love," her mother yelled. Katya still has nightmares about it to this day. There was so much screaming, there were broken plates and glasses and also a heart or two. Her own heart sunk and shattered. If you looked hard enough, you'd see the remains along with the broken pieces of china scattered around the floor. She went home that night and, in the shower, scrubbed her skin so hard it turned red and almost rashed, all in hopes she would feel less disgusting, in hopes she'd get rid of the loathing stuck to her flesh. It didn't help.

She still loved Alexandra, so much it physically hurt her, but every time she tried to say it, her head went back to her mother telling her she was incapable of loving and she froze right then and there. The day her girlfriend left, Katya didn't cry. She couldn't, she had unlearned how to. There was Alexandra, then there was nothing. And there has been for a while.

Katya knew Sharon loved her. She would be woken up every morning with the smell of eggs and bacon, go to sleep every night after a great orgasm and never left the house without a jacket because Sharon always handed it to her at the door. To try and top that, Katya paid for their meals, fixed their coke, called her girlfriend a bad girl, spanked and choked her until she came and sometimes wouldn't stop until she squirted. Fucked her good, treated her right and bought her cute underwear.

The only thing she failed at as a girlfriend was not loving her back.

"I love you," She told her, naked, while Katya fiddled with her nipple ring. "Thought I should let you know." Katya smiled and looked at her, hoping she wouldn't notice the spark fading from her green eyes. She kissed Sharon tenderly and went down on her one last time before they went to sleep. She hoped Sharon knew that wasn't an "I love you", but a "thank you". She hoped it was enough, even though Sharon's love for her wasn't.