I'd Rather Feel Nothing At All

A/N: hey! I kind of got lazy and just never posted the rest of my HellStar fanfics on here...and by now of course the fandom has died down lmao but here I am. Enjoy

"I clung to your hands so that something human might exist in the chaos."
- Hélène Cixous

•••••

It's late. Late enough that the rambunctious Legends are sound asleep. Or most of them, that is.

The ship is eerie silent as Zari walks down the hall from her room, but the constant noise of her own thoughts keep her from noticing. Subconsciously rubbing the scarlet air totem, thoughts of her brother run through her head repeatedly.

"Take care of our family," The original Zari had asked her, right before Behrad died. That Zari wouldn't have let that happen, that Zari would've brought Behrad back by now.

"We're getting him back. There's no point in dwelling on it because everything's gonna be fine,"she had told Nate, refusing to even consider the possibility of failure.

But in reality, Zari had been using that fake confidence to convince herself; to distract herself from the chilling fear that she doesn't have what it takes to save her brother. That she doesn't have what Zari 1.0 has...

Still lost in her thoughts, Zari arrived at the kitchen and flicked on the lights. As the room was illuminated, it revealed a figure sitting at the table.

"GAH!" Zari shrieked in surprise, before quickly recognizing the figure as the one and only John Constantine. Great, she thought, another person that I'm trying to get off my mind.

She didn't know how she felt about the sorcerer after being trapped together in a 1910's boarding house along with deadly encores. On one hand, she still held him accountable for Behrad's death, but on the other...something had happened between the two that she didn't understand. Or didn't want to understand, at least not now anyway.

"Didn't mean to scare ya, love," came the slightly slurred apology, which didn't sound very genuine.

Wrapping her silk bathrobe around herself, Zari cautiously walked a few steps closer. "What are you doing up so late? Sitting alone in the dark, I might add," she questioned in annoyance.

"What I do at unearthly hours of the night is none of your business," John smirked, bringing a bottle of liquor to his lips.

Zari rolled her eyes in disgust, realizing he was drunk, "You really need to stop drinking. I'm serious. You can't just drink all your problems away."

"I can try. Alcohol's the only constant in my life, sweetheart."

"You know, there are better solutions your problems."

He looked amused, "Oh yeah? And why did you come 'ere at this time? I assume you don't wake up this early. 'ow did you plan to cope with your own demons? Hmm?"

Zari narrowed her eyes at him before walking over to the fabrication device. "I felt the need for some herbal tea," she stated, punching in the request, "A much healthier option, if you ask me." She didn't mention that she had planned on sneaking a donut or two.

"Ah, of course," he smirked, shaking his head as Zari retrieved her tea and joined him at the table.

The two sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, each wrapped up in their own thoughts, before John finally spoke, "I never meant for this to happen. Any of this. I was so determined to fix what happened to Astra that I was willing to put you all in 'arms way," John swallowed," and now, Sara's in a coma and Behrad's dead."