Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

Chapter 6

-What is it? -.

It's the middle of the night and you were having a beautiful dream of you and Meredith and the kids together and happy, like a family, and you don't want to get up.

-I want ice cream-

-Ice cream? - you repeat sleepy. Did you mention is the middle of the night?

-Meredith is too early for breakfast-

-My child doesn't think so. She craves ice cream. Please. She's hungry-.

Is some sort of a routine. She craves ice cream. Nearly every night. And this wouldn't be a problem if not because she craves always different flavours. So, every night, you have to get up and buy ice cream, hoping she haven't changed her mind when you returned.

-Okay... If it's for the baby-

-Thank you-

-Nothing to thank me for-

-You're buying me ice cream at four in the morning, I think there is a lot to thank you for- she replies smiling. You're happy she's smiling. Lately she's always tired and sleep eludes her (the baby is still moving and you know for every kick and every punch and every scan and every smile and every laugh she thinks of Derek who isn't whit her, who's missing it all, who died whitout knowing his wife was pregnant).

You're lucky because she eats her ice cream whitout complains (usually there are a lot. When something's wrong she starts ranting and blubbering and sometime crying and you have the double job to calm her and shield the kids from the crises) and then lay on the bed, facing you.

-I know I'm not an easy person to be around to-

-You're pregnant, Meredith. Is normal.. Ehy, don't cry, what is it, don't cry... -

-I miss him but I miss him because I had him and then I didn't. This child won't miss him, not really, because she will never know him, she will never have him... -

-But of course she will know him. She will know him thanks to you and the kids and Alex and Amy and all the people at the hospital. She will see him in photographs and she will know her daddy loved her very much, even if he didn't meet her. She will be loved, Meredith, and he won't be forgotten-.

She smiles and your gazes are locked and she is beautiful even when she's crying, when her eyes are shining and red and puffy, and there is a shifting in the air and you close your eyes, willing your heart to stop beating so fats, while you kiss her, at the corner of her mouth (in the brief seconds before your lips come in contact whit her skin you calculate the exact angolation so it can seem an accident, a kiss on the cheek whit a wrong aim).

-Goodnight- you whisper whitout meeting her eyes.

-Goodnight- she smiles, holding you against her chest, leaving a kiss in your hair.

~~~~~~

You woke up to a silent home and in your house there is no silence, not since Meredith and her kids arrived. So it's only normal your thinking about all the things that can happened, from the most innocent to the most tragic, that can explain the disappearance of a woman and three kids. You're going mad whit worry until you see the note Meredith left for you.

"We're gone for a walk. You were so peaceful I didn't allow the kids to wake you. Don't worry, we will return soon whit breakfast.

Mere".

You exhale and start making coffee and setting the table and doing anything to distract you from what happened last night. From what you made happen last night. From your kiss and Meredith's kiss and your cuddling. But it's not strange. Friends cuddle, right? And kiss each other's cheek or hair or forehead, right?

(No they don't, and if they do they surely don't overthink the situation.

But you're friends. You and Meredith are only friends because you can't allow yourself the luxury to dream of something else, of something more. Not when she will return home in less than five months. Not when you both have little kids to care for. Not when she's still grieving Derek)

(The problem is: you're already doing this. You're already dreaming and falling and no one will be there to help you getting up).

-Alex-

-Ehy- he is in a rush and you recognize trough the phone the distorted noises of a busy ER.

-It's a bad moment? -

-No, don't worry. Speak-

-I have a problem- you bit your lips because this is a secret you've tried to run from for a very long time.

-What happened? -

-I'm in love whit Meredith- you hold your breath and squeeze your eyes, waiting for his anger or his judgment.

-And this is a problem, because... -

-Because I can't be in love whit her and she is in love whit Derek and Derek is dead and she's pregnant whit his child and she doesn't love me. I ran from her and Mark said it was wrong and stupid and... -

-Addison! Breath- he exclaims failing to hold back a laugh.

-Don't laugh! Friends don't laugh when a friend has a problem-

-Okay. You're right. What exactly make you think she doesn't love you? -

-She married my ex-husband-

-You ran away, in a hurry, whiteout any explanation-

-She had eyes for Derek, only for Derek. You know what happened at prom, right? -

-Yes I know and who said she wasn't looking you? -

-Please- you scoff rolling your eyes.

You hear his sigh. - Addie, listen. We can discuss this for hours and will be useless. What happened that freaked you out? - and you explain last night (the ice cream and the kiss, not that you sleep in the same bed. For some reason this seme more private) and when you finished you can feel his smile. - You buy her ice-cream in the middle of the night? -

-She wants it and this is not the point-

-You're right. The point is you kissed Meredith and Meredith give you a kiss. And Meredith has never kissed me or Cristina and we are her people or whatever. Think about it while I'm going saving a kid-.

And you think and think and think. You think about it all day and all night, laying motionless near Meredith.

It's right. She doesn't kiss people like this. She doesn't like physical contact.

Or maybe you're so delusional you want to see something more in an innocent gesture. After all it was night, she was tired, maybe she wasn't even conscious of what she was doing.

(There are tears streaming down your cheek and a lump in you're troath and you're holding your breath and your sobbs. You can't wake her. She will want explanation and you aren't strong enough to see rejection written on her face. You aren't strong enough to watch her pack in a hurry and leave whit the kids. You aren't strong enough to remain alone or to loose her or to explain Henry why his friends went away.

You simply are too weak).