Behind Closed Doors

i, myself am to blame.

I heard the pain never eases,
That the scars never fade,
And when you feel quite helpless,
Only the devil comes to your aid.
________________________

27 march 2017
1:05 pm

I plaster a sloppy smile onto my cherry lips as if to assure them I had heard nothing while internally I felt the opposite as I leaned in to hug dad.

He clung onto me, his hands almost knocking the breath out of me as he practically announced out loud,

"Our cupcake is all grown up"

I couldn't understand who exactly he was talking to until I watched mum nod her head in agreement as a smile crept onto her lips.

Untangling myself from dad I went over to mum, repeating the gesture.

"We need to talk, dad confessed, while I moved away from mom, creating a safe distance between us.

My heart began to race as I started to assume the worst. "Is that so? What about?",

I tried my best to keep my tone neutral but I was aware that I sounded quite nervous, something that was almost impossible to ignore.

"Have you or have you not stolen Noah's brownies last night"?, mum said accusingly, sounding like a judge sitting in all his glory; just waiting to put the culprit behind the bars.

My palms began to sweat as I looked at my feet, trying to avoid their intense gaze. The feeling of being caught petrified me.

"yes. no. I mean no I wasn't lis- wait what?", both relief and pressure fell onto at once.

Mum and dad stared at me; both sharing glances once in a while; unsure of what I was trying to say.

A part of me begged for me to ask them what was going on, who was trying to hurt us? Where was dad going? Why was mum so anxious? What in the world was happening?

But their sudden change in mood and their act of obliviousness told me exactly what not to bring it up.

I couldn't ask them.

Because I knew they'd lie to me.

Like always.

At least that's what I kept telling myself, but a part of me knew that it wasn't them who were lying here.

It was me.

I was too frightened of what they would tell me; that I decided to ignore it all together.

Dad would have to tell us before he leaves either way, I just wanted to be in the company of my brothers, to ensure I didn't give off a stupid reaction to whatever he had to say.

"Yes. I did eat his brownies mum", I had never felt so relieved admitting to stealing someone else's food.

"Haziran-", dad's voice stern, too serious for my liking and I felt the sudden urge to change the topic before more damage could be done from my side.

"You're both aware of the fact that I absolutely adore the whole, 'Haziran get your life together talk' that we share almost every other day which lasts over an hour or two even sometimes, but right now is not the time

If I don't step out of the house right this second than Sage will be feasting on my limbs for dinner and not the lasagna we planned on", I explained, sarcasm dripping from my tone.

Both dad and mum broke into laughter and I felt better for the first time I had in the last fifteen minutes.

If only I had asked them. If only I listened to them, confronted them. Told them I heard them,