Behind Closed Doors

n o a h

Does it ache to see your reflection
and watch someone else stare back
Does it ache to try so hard to hold yourself together
pleading not to crack
___________________________

Fear

It's scary how the only thing we really  fear is fear itself.

an emotion so very despised; and yet felt just as much.

Sometimes I am forced to wonder if it even truly exists.

you see, fear is quite different from the countless emotions we humans feel on a daily basis, far different from; love, passion, hatred, nervousness or annoyance

because all these emotions somewhat feel the same.

But fear

we all somehow seem to fear different things, different people, different scenarios.

No two humans fear the same thing; and that's what's truly frightening

Fear doesn't just scare you

It brings about all the emotions all at once, bombarding your mind from all directions, until you reach your to breaking point

You see, when you're afraid of something; your orbs start shifting from side to side

searching for some sort of a refuge from your situation as you grow nervous by every passing moment, petrified of what is next to happen.

Then you begin overthinking as you fiddle with your fingers, forcing your fingers to tangle and untangle repeatedly,

drowned into your own thoughts so deeply, that you become unaware of the world around you

This is where love drags itself in, the fear of losing those you hold close, tears you into bits.

That's when annoyance slides in; the tapping of your feet against the marble floor and the shaking of your knees is enough to spike your fear once again, leaving you feeling both helpless and abandoned.

Your conscience disturbs you with every breath you inhale, haunting you over what you could've done otherwise to not end up in the scenario you are trapped in now.

And at last; you begin shaming yourself, hating yourself, blaming yourself for everything that has happened to you.

biting onto your already chipped nails as you sit on a corner, accusing yourself to be the culprit of burning in the hell that you had once created for yourself.

And fear

An emotion so dangerous, so unethical; that it can drive your whole damn mind, control your actions, become your weakness; if not dealt with the right way.

Yet, unfortunately, there is no right way to deal with fear as yet

And a part of us fears that there never really will be

And that's what makes us fear our fear so fucking much.

Fear

That word seeped into my bloodstream, drowning into the depths of my body, and carving its initials onto my once fearless heart.

And before I realised it;  I was eating, sleeping, dreaming, thinking, breathing fear

every move I made from chugging a glass of water to not wanting to go to sleep at night was out of fear