I can't help but shake off the feeling that I've missed out on something crucial, something as light as a baby's breath but nevertheless, so tangible. I've left something, behind. This faint but constant stubborn feeling of hollowness, of desperation of hankering after something untouchable, of restlessness. Perhaps, my school that I had left and never got to have my fill of, of it, or perhaps the school from which I walked back home every noon with my eyes looking above, at the sunlight peeking through the trees, at the stretched blue cloudless sky, or perhaps the walks around that large green campus after classes had long been finished, or the steps onto the balcony with a nature that now reminds me of an increasingly shrieking nostalgia. Or perhaps, the old big house with its sleepy afternoons on its large rooftop, with plants in huge buckets, the sky overlooking with its stretching blue. I can't help but shake off this feeling of losing behind. Maybe my childhood, maybe my years of being naive, and full of hope, and dreams, day dreaming all the time, noticing every single Little thing around me, people around me taking it all in, letting everything that comes along my way with its full force, letting it all affect me, touch me, the pain, the desperation, the hope. Being young is something that maybe I'm obsessed with. And with every single day, I'm leaving it behind, and I'm not there yet, where I've always been wanting to be. And I don't know how long it's gonna take, or even if I'm going to make it. I just want to make it while I'm still young, while I can still let things hit me with their full force, when I can still be dumb and naive and intensely feel everything. I'm scared of growing up, growing older, because as I'm growing, I'm feeling less and less human each day. Because nothing touches me anymore. Because I cannot feel anything with intensity and passion anymore. Because there's no romance and no adventure and no rendezvous anymore. There's nothing that interests me anymore. Time is my biggest prison. I'm stuck. I can't outrun it. I'm constantly trying to both outrun it and catch it. And I can't seem to do either. I'm paralyzed. When I fall asleep at a 3 p.m. sleepy lazy idle afternoon and wake up at 7 when the sun has already set, the emptiness hits me all at once, and it's all so overwhelming. And I miss everything. I miss how I used to be when I was a kid, when I was just a teen, starting out at life, feeling everything for the first time. And then I remember I'm not that anymore. And I feel powerless because I cannot hold onto that.
