Again

Trying to get back

       I tipped another shot down my throat, the burn comforting me but the worst part was it didn't soothe me, if anything it made it worse. It brought back all the smiles, the happy memories, the happiness, the tears, his clear blue eyes,his shaggy brown hair and the way he looked at me. It hurt too much I grabbed another shot and I tipped it back, anything just to get it out, out of my head. It hurts too much, the fact that he's not here anymore his truthfulness, his sass, his beauty, his grace, unknowingly tears start slipping out of my eyes, its been like this for the past year. That's right a year and I still can't get over his death, my love, my joy, the only thing I lived for was gone. Shaking my head, he's dead, no point  thinking of him.

            "Hey man," yelled Zayn, my best friend. I met him around the time Louis died, we were just friends though, I made that clear to him the first time we spoke. The reason we hung out so much was because we both lost our loves. Its a pretty sick way to gain friends but we've been friends since then and we're practically brothers now.

            "Hey, Z," I replied, "What's up?" 

             "I saw a couple of guys with a couple of joints, you wanna join them?" I immediately shook my head, getting high was worse, so much more worse, because i didn't just think about him unwillingly. I could see him, hear him, and even feel him. It's worse because I know its fake I know it's not real and that just makes it so much more painful.

              "Well, I'm gonna go join them, you can go home if you want."

               "Yeah, I think I will, later man." 

As I was walking outside, it starts to rain and I sigh as I remember Louis on a rainy day and what we did once. 

         'Louis, you're gonna catch a cold,' I scolded him like a mother would but with adoration like a lover would. He just giggled and continued to play in the rain like a little child. The rain drops fell down on him, and his eyes shone more brightly than ever, and his eyelashes were covered with little droplets of water from the rain. He closed his eyes, tipped his head back and opened his palms welcoming the rain. I stood there watching it run down his face like tears but he wore a smile, so he looked like he was the happiest person alive but with tears and even though the rain was cold and the wind was blowing roughly, I'm pretty sure he's never felt warmer. Soon I couldn't handle the distance between us any longer I walked over to him, pulled his face down and gently placed my lips on his. It wasn't a kiss, it was a simple press of two pairs of lips but it was the most intimate thing we've done and even when later while we sat sick, but close together, on our bed I still didn't regret that kiss even if it meant being terribly ill, I don't really regret anything, if it was with Louis.

 

As I repeated Louis's actions from that day, my hands out, my head tipped back with my eyes closed and even though my tears were mixing in with the rain, that streamed down my face, I smiled.  I finally felt the warmth that Louis felt that day. I decided then and there, I would get better,and  I finally said the words, that I never got to say one last time, out loud, and that I'm pretty sure was the beggining of my recovery.

               "I love you, Louis William Tomlinson." 

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