Tear in the heart

the beginning of everything

"You can do it, you can do it!"  shouted my friends.  "What can I lose?"  I thought to myself, there's really nothing I can lose now.  I jumped off the plane.  It was cold air that hit my face, I felt like I was starting to freeze, few tears in my eyes, I felt it, felt it tear in my heart.  It was like my whole life was whizzing right in front of my eyes, it was the best experience I had ever had in my life.  That's how it felt to live, that's how one lived life to the fullest, and not what I used to do.

When I was a child, my parents learned that I had an illness.  A disease that was very serious, a disease that could kill me.  My whole childhood was spent in the hospital.  I grew up in the pediatric ward of the hospital.  I did not go to school like the normal children, I was not allowed to play like the other children.  I was not allowed to run or eat ice cream.  I was not allowed to do anything that the normal children did.  "You're a special girl, you're a princess," my parents used to tell me, so I should feel better, when I was not allowed to go out to play or when I felt bad.  They thought that little princesses like me were too special to play outside, too special to eat candy and ice cream.  Instead of sweets, they gave me medicine and said this is just for little princesses like you.  So stupid I was who did not understand that they were cheating on me, but I was faithfully a little girl.  A girl who believed everything they said.  I still remember the day my mother said, "I'm going to get something, listen to what the doctors say and what your father says, okay my angel."  I waited so long for my mother to come, days, months, but she did not come.  But when I turned 17, I gave up.