Lambkin

9. Blood Ties

It takes almost a month without any incident to ease my anxiety. Peter still drives me everywhere I go - I've been asked to avoid walking on foot - and makes rounds around the house but he hasn't reported anything suspicious. Unless he's only telling Alfie…

Sarah and I are coming back from school. She runs to the kitchen to get some biscuit while I hang her coat and- Ah, where's her scarf? I'm sure she had it when she came out of school, she must have left it in the car.

Peter is already checking the back garden, I reckon I don't need him to cross the sidewalk and pick up Sarah's scarf. As I close the door of the car, the yellow cloth in my hand, I notice a movement at the corner of the house. My body refuses to move, even to breathe.

A man steps out of the shadow. The man from Paris.

I feel dizzy. I know who he is…

*

I sit on Sarah's bed, staring at the frame, numb. Sarah is downstairs, painting. I hope she won't get the idea to come here, I don't want her to see me like that. I shake my head, unclench my fingers from the frame. Sarah's parents are looking back at me, in black and white, young and smiling. The man I saw wasn't smiling but the eyes, the nose, even the splitted chin, they're the same. It can't be a coincidence.

Yet, Sarah's father is supposedly dead and buried in France, so how could he be here? It must be a relative, her uncle maybe? I was too stunned earlier to react when he ran away after I spotted him. Now I wish I could have talked to him. If only to know what he was looking for.

My heart sinks when I realize he might want to take back Sarah…My body goes limp, the frame slips off my hands, falls on the bed. I'm cold, dizzy. Can they take my Sarah away from me? My god, do I have to tell Alfie…?

I can't sleep for the next two days. I'm torn between the need to find that man and the fear of what he will say. I pretend I'm sick to avoid too many questions - in a way I'm not lying, my anxiety manifests in a very physical way - and Nurse Betty sends me home before I do something I'll regret with the patients.

I should call Peter to pick me up but I think I need some fresh air. I take my time, walking slowly, lost in my thoughts - always the same: what if we lose Sarah - so I only notice I'm being followed when I'm almost home.

My heart pounds in my chest as I see the blurry reflection on the window of a shop coming closer. I feel the urge to move but I can't decide weither to turn around or to run.

«Please,» says the man, «I mean you no harm. »

He steps in front of me, hesitant. His eyes are looking everywhere but me. We stand there, not saying anything, my mind is blank. The man lifts his hand tentatively, I flinch and step back.

«If you could just take that letter,» he says, «I'll leave you be. »

I hadn't noticed the envelope in his hand, I reach out and take it. He disappears in a blink, leaving me hanging, lost. He looks exactly like on the picture…

I hasten home. I have a few hours to read this before Sarah comes back from school, I have a feeling I will need all the time I can get to digest the letter! I build up some courage from Cyril who snuggles against my leg as I sit on the couch. My hands are shaking when I open the letter.

I put it down after the first line. My left eyelid is pulsing, my chest is too tight to let me breathe properly. I need to calm down or I won't be able to understand what I read. I try again after a cup of tea and a long hug with Cyril. I force myself to breathe in and out. No turning back now.