Lambkin

12. Deep Into Icy Water

Of the weeks following Sarah's death, I keep little to none recollection. Days melt into each other, memories blend. The funerals of Sarah and Ollie were held together. We stayed the first three days at Ollie’s house for Shiva but I can’t remember going to the services. I remember the candles, someone saying the bullet went straight through her heart, that she must have passed away quickly. I remember wanting to drive something sharp into their chest, see if they find it quick and painless.

There was so much anger in me. More than the pain, I think it’s that anger that pushed me on the edge of breaking down. We were so happy, it wasn't perfect but we were a family. Was it too much to ask than to be allowed to enjoy it for as long as any parent wishes for? And Ollie…Ollie sacrificed himself for nothing…

So many bowls of soup and cups of tea thrown against the wall I’m not sure I really ate anything. I completely lost track of time. Of myself. I'm not even sure what snapped me out of the deep hole I had sunk into. A dream maybe? Or guilt? All I know is I woke up with the vital need to see Alfie. I have been nothing but horrible to him, rejecting him, blaming him for what happened even though he lost his daughter too…

I can easily imagine how he took care of everything, put aside his own grief so I could have mine unbothered. He's been spoiling me for so long that I'm taking everything for granted to the point of neglecting him. I feel sick, both mentally and physically.

I stumble out of the room. It takes me a few seconds to remember I'm at my Mum's. I splash some fresh water on my face in the bathroom to cast the nausea away. My reflection is staring at me from the mirror, emaciated, ghostly pale apart from the dark circles under my eyes. I couldn't care less. No, I deserve to look this bad. I abandoned my husband.

A flash of memory makes my knees weak, I have to hold onto the bassin. I said some nasty things, things I thought I meant at the time…I was so mean, I wanted him to hurt as bad as I did, or more! As if it would bring me any comfort! I said I wish he was dead and not them because this was all his fault!

I struggle to breathe. I feel oppressed, as if I won’t be able to do it without Alfie. I don't even know if he's here now. I need him so badly, I want to hold him tight and more than anything, apologies to him! Because from the beginning I knew…

I was the one who knew James was here to see Sarah and choose not to say anything. Deep down I wanted Alfie to take care of it the way I assumed he would of a stalker. Maybe if I’d told him sooner, things would have gone differently. Maybe James would have died in that hotel and that would have been it. Or maybe we'd allowed him a few visits to Sarah and had all lived in peace…

I’m wandering in the hallway, hazzy, lost in my thoughts when Mum finds me. I see the surprise on her face, shortly replaced by a smile. I reckon I haven’t left the room so often lately. She doesn't make a fuss, just offers me to join her for tea in the living room. I'm grateful for that as I am for her not to force me to engage in the conversation. I can't seem to be able to talk, I'm having trouble following what she is saying, drifting in and out of focus.

I notice the newspaper on the table, the date is January 14th, 1926. My heart sinks. If it's today's edition, it's been exactly a month since Sarah died. My nose tingles, I feel the tears coming up in my eyes. I look down at Cyril who sleeps on my feet, like he's trying to keep me grounded. My dear boy.

I lean over to stroke his fur, the movement makes me dizzy. Mum puts her hand on my back, asks if I'm okay. I wave her worry away. Of course I'm not okay, but what can anyone do about it…?

Mum forces me into a bath, confident it'll soothe me, but after ten minutes I can't stand being alone with my thoughts. To keep myself busy and stop overthinking about how Alfie will react and if he'll accept my apologies, I decide to clean up the guest room I've been staying in. I can't remember the last time I washed bed sheets.