You ~dnf~

I'm Sorry

//TW//: suicidal thoughts, self harm, swearing, abuse, alcohol, homophobia, and f slur//
a/n: this chapter can be quite triggering so pls don't read on if you will be upset by any of the tw's!! Also thank you for 13 views on the first chapter :))
———————————————————————————

George Pov:

I am sat on my bed doing some of my homework, it's been half a week since me and Clay spent the day together. We don't have any of the same classes so I've only been texting him. I miss him. I put away my thoughts and resume doing my math school work. Then I hear the front door open with loud steps following after. oh shit is that- I hear a male voice start yelling and I hear my mom's voice responding.

     A few years back my dad left me and my mom. No one knows about this even my best friends which as you may be able to guess has been one of my biggest secrets I've ever kept. We just assumed he was never going to come back and my mother didn't take it very well. She became a crazy alcoholic to cope without him and we've been running low on money ever since but I try to ignore everything because whenever I get involved it just makes things worse for me and for her. My dad was a raging homophobe so when I figured out I was gay I swore to never tell him.

"If I find out you or any of your other little friends are faggots I swear on my life I will do everything I can to fix that nasty behavior, and if no one wants to participate I'll beat them to a pulp." I push myself into the corner of a wall while he stands over me holding onto one of the notes Clay wrote me. "And no more talking to this Clay boy I have a feeling he's one of those too, let's just hope he sorts himself out." He tears the letter apart and throws it onto the floor, he then picks me up and stares into my eyes, "And if I ever catch you doing something with him...let's just say I won't be afraid to treat you how you should be." I nod as he sets me down and leaves my room. Then I open my small drawer in the nightstand next to my bed and I uncover all the other letters Clay wrote me. Picking up the pieces of paper left on the floor I cry hard and put them into a small jar, I set the jar into the drawer and cover it all up with some books. I can hear my mom crying while my dad screams at her about something. I lay in bed and watch out my window hoping to find some sort of comfort. My eyes close and I fall asleep.

I can feel my breath quicken and I can't register what's happening. Then as soon as everything hits me I hear a loud crashing noise from outside my room. I swiftly try grab my phone and put it into my pocket but I realize I left it in the kitchen fuck. I open my door quietly, the voice starts to talk again and I realize it actually is my dad. Why the fuck is he back. I walk further down the hallway towards the living room. I can see him standing over my mom who looks to be passed out, my breathing stops as he turns around and looks at me with the most intense expression. "Hi Georgie I just thought I'd come back to check on you guys. But what I didn't expect was to see this." He points to my phone's wallpaper it's a photo of me and Clay that I took at our secret place in the woods. "Do you want to explain who this is?" My mind is racing because I don't know what the right thing to say is. My dad starts to talk again "Georgie...are you a faggot?" I shake my head no, knowing I was lying. He slowly starts to walk towards me and speaks again, "If your not then who is this?" I gulp slowly and start to speak again, "That is my friend." My father looks at me angrily, "What is the friends name?" My mind realizes that he remembers Clay as the "gay" boy who would give me sweet letters, the problem is how do I get him to believe me when I say he isn't gay and there is nothing between us. I realize it's been a minute since he last asked that question, "C-Clay" is all that comes out my mouth. I look up at my dad, he has a smug look to his face and I start to talk again, "Father please listen to me Clay is not gay and neither am I. We are best friends okay?" He doesn't move but starts to speak, "Then why are you two holding hands in this photo and why is it your lock screen huh?" He then grabs me by the collar of my shirt and yells, "I RAISED YOU TO HATE WHAT YOU'VE BECOME GEORGE CAN'T YOU SEE THAT!" I start to cry as he yells again, "YOU ARE NOT MY SON!" I am now sobbing uncontrollably. He practically throws me on the ground and then kicks me once, next he pulls up by my arms and punches me in the gut. I try to scramble and get away but he won't let go. I slowly see the world fall to darkness as he continues to yell and hurt me.

I woke up on the floor 4 hours later. The house had a couple things broken but I was mostly worried about my mom so I try to stand, fuck my whole body hurts. I look around and see my mom curled up on the couch. She looks up and over to me with a sad face. She starts to talk, "Honey I'm really sorry. There isn't much I can do though...your dad is a sick man and I don't have the right resources to get rid of him." I sigh and nod my head trying to reassure her so she doesn't feel bad. She keeps apologizing though..."I'm sorry Georgie you know he wasn't ever a good father but I can't have him hurt you so bad." I don't like when she gets upset like this because I blame it on myself. Maybe if I was straight she wouldn't have to worry like this. Or maybe my dad would love me...if I was straight and played multiple sports, maybe had good grades or a perfect face. It's all my fault she's suffering, and it's my fault my dad won't ever love me. I sigh and speak, "Mom it's okay I love you a lot." All I hear back is a string of "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" over and over again. I stand up limping and I go to the bathroom.

//very dark next chapter read with caution//

     I look at my reflection again. Why can't I be straight, no one loves me for who I am now. But I can't control it. Maybe my mom wouldn't have to apologize until her lungs give out when it's my fault for something if I was just normal. My dad was right...all those times he told me no one would love me if I was gay. Because truthfully the only person I have is my mom...and I don't even really have her when most the time she's blacked out drunk after work. Clay won't ever love me the same way I love him...maybe that's a good thing. I don't want to hurt another person anyway. I pick up the blade sitting on my bathroom countertop. I take all my thoughts and use them to push the blade across my arm while staring back at myself in the mirror. They are really deep this time. And all I wanted to do was say "I'm sorry." to everyone. For being a disappointment and for being a burden. My head goes numb and I zone out, feeling the blood trickle down my cold arms. I forget for a moment all the pain. It will come back eventually...but for now I'm okay. Maybe if I were to be dead my mom would be able to escape my father, my friends would be okay because they have each other, and I would be okay not having to feel all this pain. I snap out of thought and wash off the now drying blood on my arms. My whole body is tense because of how badly my father beat me up. I go into the shower and turn it freezing cold. Showering helps me calm down...so I wash try away everything. My face stays expressionless as I walk to my room and put on a hoodie and some sweats. I turn on my phone to see my lock screen of me and Clay...tears start to form in my eyes once again. Turning off my phone now ignoring all my missed calls and texts as I check the time on my clock that rests on the nightstand next to my bed it reads "10:01pm". All I do is mumble "I'm sorry." under my breath and drift off to sleep.

Word Count 1579~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This chapter took a while to write lmaooo but seriously I do hope you enjoyed it and if you didn't always feel free to give me ideas on how to improve! Again in case you skipped over my last a/n (I don't blame you I do it too) I will be posting probably every other day instead of daily just in case anyone cares to know my schedule :)). Have a wonderful day/night and I'll see you soon!
-W