Daily Journals

1/13/2020 - 6:28 am

I started journaling but I knew I sucked at it. Wala na akong magagawa doon because I really hate my handwriting.

Anyway. I've been getting sick and I've had the worst daily schedule and a subject of mine just confirmed I need to take the finals to pass. Other than that I still have one subject I need to take care of. Everything just sucks and guess what? Pagod na ako. I'm so fucking tired and not even a proper bath and a few hours of silence can fix it. No feel good show can fix it. This weird empty feeling is something I can't fix.

But I'm determined enough to pull through. I don't want to waste the conserved energy and drive I have. I have never wanted to get out of the shit that I'm in and enjoy life until now.

I'm ready for my comeback, mga puta.

Napagalitan na naman ako ng nanay ko kasi nagpupuyat ako and apparently she "knows" what  she's doing and I don't and things like these irk me. I have been so trapped by the negativity she brings that it hurts me that maybe most of the things she said in the past is not out of concern, but just a projection of her hate to the nearest, weakest thing around her.

Unfortunately, it was me.

She knows she couldn't do that to her own parents because if she did, my grandparents would've been dead a long time ago. And I feel like me being alive is a proof of how this cycle of hatred works for her. Good kid traumatized so that he becomes more "rigid" and "strong".

I am so tired. I just want to wake up in an actual bed with a bedframe (I don't have that right now) where I can freely take a bath any day without judgement (I can't do that either since I shower in my mom's bathroom and every fucking time I go to do so I need to inform my mom what I'm doing and it's fucking depressing) and live my life the way I want to.

Because what I've learned for the past 20 years is that I'm not a bad person. Not even close to someone who'd be considered a bad influence. All my life I just wanted to be me and people don't let me be.

Paano ko ba nakayanan itong buhay na ito? How do I move forward from this?

What I'll do is probably go out by 7:00 am, drink coffee, clean my room, and just try to do what I can to thrive. Because clearly I've been good at surviving despite the odds. kailangan ko na ng matindihang comeback. Ll, baka pwede bigyan mo pa ako ng lakas at kayamanan lara kayanin kasi babawi pa ako. Madami pa akong babawiin.

Madami pa akong magandang gagawin at mararanasan sa mundong ito.