Have you ever thought about forever, it's kind of a funny word. I mean we know what it means, that it will always be there, but realistically, it's not possible. No one can live forever, trees and animals die out, buildings and cities get destroyed and rebuilt. The sun itself, the thing we rely on for life, is a burning star that will, at some point, die. Yet we use forever all the time, saying our love can last forever, moments. As if giving things immortality placed importance in them.
But I swear Logan's smile was infinite, slightly crooked, slightly unsure of itself, his eyes giving his secret away; he was holding back. Smiling myself, I looked back to my laptop to continue working, half the lesson still to go. I could feel those chocolate eyes staring at me, watching my every move, how my fingers moved effortlessly around the keyboard, how my eyes darted back and forth. And I started to curl up a little bit, hunch my shoulders slightly, move a little bit further from him.
I mean sure, he was really cute and clearly intelligent but I had goals to focus on, so if he even wanted to date me, which is sort of doubtful, school would need to be my first priority. I mean Josh had it all, but he's much better at time management than me, he knows how to prioritize and he's a superhuman so how could I compete. I felt a soft tap on my shoulder, somehow it was comforting and nerve-wracking at the same time, knowing that it was Logan.
He started talking to me, and I was absent-mindedly responding. I don't know exactly what we were talking about, all I can remember is I hadn't laughed that much in forever. He was so goofy and ridiculous it was hard not to laugh. The lesson ended so quickly, and my heart sank for a minute. Walking toward my locker with Josh, I felt like I couldn't breathe, as if the air was being sucked out of my lungs somehow. Chills went straight through my body and all of a sudden ice was growing inside me. The entire lesson went to waste, one where most of my assignment could have been completed was instead dedicated to talking to some guy. And like magic, the workload for the year seemed unachievable.
I tried to calm down, kept my cool so no one could see how anxious I was. Not that anyone really cared, everyone, is always too engrossed in their own lives to notice the world around them, me included. Josh, however, came to my side in a moment, as if he could sense something was wrong with me. He grabbed my books and laptop, lifting them from me effortlessly, and wrapped his arm around me. His cologne had been diluted from this morning, tolerable now. We sat down against the lockers as footsteps pass us, the quiet slowly sinking in as people made their way to the soul-sucking classes. I didn't know what was happening, or why blood was circulating through me faster than I thought possible.
My mind was racing, doubts creeping in, all possible futures I had seen for myself were crumbling apart as if spending some time focused on something other than school would mean my whole world falls apart. I knew it was ridiculous, I mean I was ahead in all my classes, even English, and half a lesson couldn't end me. Yet the end of the world was here, happiness could no longer exist. Certainly, smiling with Logan would become but a distant memory of the last time I smiled until I graduated from hell. I looked up at Josh, who was smiling his eyes soft, hiding the worry he had in that ocean.
My heart sank further, knowing how selfish I was being, overreacting about something so small, worrying my best friend when he already had enough on his mind. I smiled back at him, trying to reassure him I was fine. I shouldn't be lying to my best friend, I know. But I was creating problems for myself that weren't there. The pounding went away, no longer in danger of my heart bursting through my chest, my lungs didn't seem to realise. Trying to move past my small freak-out, Josh started dragging me to our spot. As we turned the corner to head outside, I saw Rose. She kind of reminded me of Emma Roberts with a broken nose, bandages covering the area I had hit, the bruising extending like one of those ink-blot tests. Sending Josh up ahead, I looked to make amends.
