Forgive Me, Biggums (Merome)

Chapter 1 - Death

Mitch's POV

"It's okay..." Ty whispered, rocking me back and forth. I cried in his arms, I couldn't even think straight. How am I able to beg Jerome for forgiveness, when I can't even forgive myself?

"No, it's not okay... I'm so stupid, Ty! How could I do something like that?!" I sobbed, and he silently hushed me and hugged me tighter.

"Mitch, I'm sure he'll forgive you... And you were drunk, you couldn't make decisions. Don't worry, Jerome isn't mad," he encouraged me, but I didn't believe him. Jerome was definitely mad, and jealous. But it was all my fault, I shouldn't have cheated. I guess I was immature, getting wasted and hooking up with a first person that was next to me. I wish it was Jerome, though. But wishing doesn't accomplish anything.

"He's broken, Ty! I broke his feelings just like that," I wiped away my tears.

"Don't worry...it's going to be okay. If you want, I can call him and talk about it with him," Ty offered, and I silently nodded, which made him form a slight smile.

"Thank you," I managed to calm down.

"No problem. You can stay at mine if you want?" he said, and I hugged him gently, pulling back.

"Yeah, thank you so much," I smiled, for the first time in quite some. He patted my back and got up, grabbing his phone, and he walked out the living room. I sighed, taking a deep breath and rubbing my eyes in frustration. I was an asshole, I don't know if he's ever going to want me back. I got up and walked in the bathroom, splashing the water on my face and looking up at the mirror. I looked like a wreck. I felt like I was dead, I didn't see that me. That me, that Jerome kept alive all these years ago, was gone. I was nothing, just a skeleton, no flesh, no blood, no soul. No heart, no love. Nothing. I stood there, vulnerable and desperate for someone to cheer me up, to show me all of the good things, to make me smile and laugh, to love me. But there was nobody. Now that Jerome is gone, I truly and really am alone, I have no one.

"You okay there?" Ty knocked on the bathroom door, and I went to open it, since I didn't want him to worry or think that I'd do something stupid. No. Those times are gone, Jerome saved me from all my fears and all my problems, and I will never go back again.

"Yeah, sorry," I apologized, and Ty's eyes darted on my wrists, scanning for anything unusual, but finding nothing. A shy smile flashed on his face and he patted my back, dragging me out the bathroom.

"We should probably go eat something, I bet you're hungry," he announced, reading my mind, even though I wasn't in the mood for eating. I just didn't like food that much, I can't explain it. But I forced myself to drag over to the table, sitting down and playing with my fingers in my lap, looking down. For a second I thought Ty was staring at me, but when I looked over, his gaze quickly moved from me to the kitchen.

I don't know for how long I was being quiet, sitting, just letting all the thoughts run through my mind and torture me, but I know it was a while since Ty suddenly came back with two plates.

"Here," he whispered, handing me the plate with bacon pancakes on it, that I gladly accepted, taking the fork in my hands and starting to eat the food slowly. So many different thoughts occupied my mind, that I didn't even notice until Ty shook my shoulder.

"Hm?" my voice came out in thought, weak and tired, as Ty flashed me an apologetic smile.

"I asked if you're okay... you don't seem okay," he spoke, and I shrugged lightly.

"I'm not okay, I miss him. I really do, Ty, I'm sorry. I really am," I started apologizing to him as if he was Jerome, and Ty hushed me, putting his finger on my mouth,

"It's okay, don't worry. Don't be sorry," he comforted me, and I thanked him again, taking the fork in my hands again. I can't describe the feeling that I had, I knew that I still had friends, starting out with Ty, and I knew he cared, whether or not Jerome will forgive me, I knew that I was accepted by somebody. Yet again, I felt so alone. I felt like no one would actually care if I disappeared, that I'm alone. And that Jerome hates me. Deep in my heart, I had this feeling, that he still loves me and that he'll forgive me, that he cares. But my mind kept telling me that he hates me. The truth, though... I didn't know the truth. And I didn't feel the truth. It's a weird thing, this mind and feelings. They're different, they both give you different solutions. But in the end, they are most likely both to be wrong. And you keep dying inside, until someone saves you. But who would save me? Jerome's gone. And he's all that I need, all that I want, all that I live for.

I guess it's just bad luck.

I wish I never went to that party, I wish Adam never got ten million subscribers, that he never celebrated it, and that he never brought alcohol to the party. But he did. And I can't blame myself enough for drinking from that darn bottle, and hooking up with him. But I did it. And I really am sorry. Except, being sorry sometimes isn't enough. I wish I could apologize to Jerome, but I just don't have the strength to. I just don't. and that's what I hate. Because I don't know if he'll forgive me, I don't know what'll happen or if it'll work out.

All that I know is that I died inside.

Without him.

I'm dead.