The Girl Who Loved

«Prologue»

Suicide. What a beautiful, but still so ugly, way to die. You can decide when, where, and how. You can release yourself from the pain.

Pain. It can be physical or mental or even both. It hurts you, only you. Nobody can help it.

Help. If you call for help, you can be saved. You need it when you are in danger. You need it when you have fallen to the bottom.

Bottom. Someone could believe that you can't fell anymore when you have reached the bottom. But the thing is, there is no bottom. When you start falling, you can't stop it.

Stop. When someone does something to you and you feel uncomfortable, you have to say stop. It doesn't always work and they continue to do their thing. Words always don't work.

Words. They can hurt you, hurt you so bad that you don't want to live anymore. They can make you feel like you are living in Hell.

Hell. The opposite of heaven. That is where bad people go after they die.

Death. It can be natural. You can die when you sleep or from a heart attack. Someone can also murder you with a knife or a saw. You can also murder yourself. You can decide how long do you live by murdering yourself. And that is called suicide.

Suicide, again. What a beautiful, but still so ugly, way to die.

I have a note on my phone which contains my suicide letters to every important person in my life. They can be unnecessary from someone's point of view but I need them. I don't know when enough is enough and when it is, I can just disappear.

Hogwarts, the place where I can escape my current life. I know it isn't real to you but for me it is. I can be myself there and nobody judges me. Hogwarts is my home and whenever I leave, I'll always return there.

Life is overrated. My mom says I'm pathetic because I think like that but that's just how it is. We were born to die, just like Lana del Rey says.

"Walking through the city streets, is it by mistake or design? I feel so alone on a Friday night"

My dad left when I was young. Mom says it's my fault. I believe her because I know everything is always my fault. I fucked up my last relationship too because I was being a dick. I've fucked up all of my friendships. Not that I don't have friends because I still have, but I still feel like something is missing. I feel I'm such a freak when I'm around people. I'm different and it shows. Nobody matches my vibe.

Food is good, really good. I love food. Yet I'm not fat. I'm skinny and I hate it. I have an ass and titties but I hate myself. I wish I could be like those "thick girls" who can make their ass shake but I'm too lazy. I just sleep, eat and sleep. Sometimes I go out with my friends but always end up home. Alone.

Online school sucks. I used to be good, a straight "A" student, but this fucking pandemic messed everything up. I have no motivation at all and every day is just the same. I wake up, go to zoom classes, eat and go back to sleep. My mental health collapsed because of COVID-19.

Social media is a toxic place to be. Still, my phone is every day on my hand and my finger goes thru tiktoks. I found out about shifting realities and my potterfuckinghead was so excited. I could meet my favorite characters with shifting. Also, Draco Malfoy took over my for you page, and now his sexy face is all around my Tiktok. I don't complain about it but my obsession with him has grown dangerously. But like do I have something else to do? No. And don't remind me about studying, I'm going to die soon so I don't need some math to measure how deep I should cut my wrists.