everything i wanted // billie eilish

Chapter Twenty

Warning: This chapter contains descriptions of some EXTREMELY mature things. If this makes you uncomfortable I highly recommend you stop reading after the Instagram post until the end. I haven't exactly gone into this much detail about these things before but I wanted to try something a little new. However as of now I don't think it'll go beyond that.

Hope you enjoy this chapter!

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"I'm sorry." I mumbled to myself after a moment of awkward silence, my hands nearly shaking as I stared down at the repetitive black and white keys in front of me. And for a moment I wondered if I had been too snappy, too bitchy, every awful adjective in the book.

"Why are you sorry, my love?" Billie asked in that usual sweet voice of hers, the voice I could've sworn she only used with me. The voice that I almost hoped she only used with me.

"For snapping at you." I answered, nearly flinching when I felt her fingers lightly brushing my hair aside almost as if she was trying to see my face better. Trying to gauge what kind of emotion I was even feeling in the first place.

"Baby, you didn't snap at me, I shouldn't have pushed you to do something you were uncomfortable with." She began, gently stroking my cheek with her finger. "What's on your mind, precious, talk to me."

My blue eyes swept over to meet her soft ones, looking like oceans that made me feel safe yet scared me all at the same time. "A lot." I spoke in a soft voice, clasping my hands together in my lap just in time to feel her inch closer towards me.

"We have time." Billie stated, placing her hand right on top of my bunched together ones.

I took in a deep breath as I nervously caught my bottom lip in between my teeth. "So I... I do write my own music. Somewhat. I write lyrics, notes, melodies, harmonies... everything you need to make a song. I've done it before, and sometimes I've thought about what would happen if I did actually reveal it to the world and let them hear what I have to say or at least to the people who cared enough to listen and... I-I don't know. I'm not 100% against it, I guess."

"Baby, you know if you ever wanted to release any music under your name and only your name I would help you in every way I possibly could." Billie began sincerely, and I could see how genuine she was being with just one look at her. "I think that's amazing, love."

"I know I just... every time I go to open my mouth and actually sing the songs that I wrote specifically for me to sing I just- I freeze up. I can't do it. And if I can't do it for myself then how am I going to be able to do it for someone else? So, that's why I guess. I don't wanna tease myself into actually thinking that maybe one day I could be a musical artist who wrote her own music and sang for people and... made people feel less alone with their words." I started, shaking my head as I pulled the ends of my silk robe around my body.

"What's holding you back then, love?" Billie asked simply, placing a gentle hand on my cheek once I moved mine away from my lap.

"Fear, I guess. Fear of rejection. Fear of judgment, of not being able to even allow myself to be vulnerable enough to actually sing in front of crowds of people." My voice started to tremble just at the mere mention of it. I blew out a long sigh as I propped my elbows on my knees, letting my fingers run through my tangled hair. "I'm just... I'm scared, Billie."

Billie took in a deep breath of her own, and I could feel her soft hand resting against my back. Rubbing little soothing circles on it like she always did whenever she knew I was in any form of distress. "Lils, I can't promise you there won't be people in the industry who reject you, or dislike you, or... want nothing to do with you even. But what I can tell you is your talent's immeasurable. I mean, even my brother, one of the most critical people I know especially whenever it comes to music has said before it's almost inhuman how talented you are at such a young age."