Stairway to Heaven

9. Blunders

I am bored.

That's how it'd always been, eversince I could remember. No matter what I did, where I went, whom I talked to—it was always accompanied by this feeling of emptiness.

So.damn.bored.

It's not like things were much different before, either. There had always been this distinct nagging, in the back of my head. An itch, that I could never seem to relieve.

Was I doing something wrong? Should I have used a different approach? Mom, Dad, Ammar, Isra—their lives were similar to mine; yet, they seemed to be okay with it. Then why? Why did only I feel so out of place?

Why couldn't I stop feeling this way—? Like—like something was missing? What was this emptiness? That never seemed to go away, no matter what? Maybe it's like those doctors said, I was inept psychologically. That's why I felt so apathetic about everything. Most of the times, I adapted by recognising people's reactions and adjusting my responses to them. But, it was impossible to erase that constant feeling of emptiness.

Everything—just, felt so meaningless to me.

What was I doing? Where exactly was I going with all this? I knew the path had already been paved for me. It was easy. All I had to do was walk on it and reach the finish line. There wasn't much else for me to do. I was blessed with everything and anything a person could wish for, so I didn't have to worry about consequences and such.

So—Why was I still so bored?

It's so boring. Everything and everyone bored me to no end.

That was; until I met her,

—My Bug

She was to me, like a software bug was to a computer. An error in system that caused it to produce an incorrect or unexpected result and made it behave in unintended ways.

The more I saw of her, the more I wanted to crush that radiant light of hers.

In comparison to me, she had nothing. No resources, no money, no ease—Yet, she shone so bright. Almost blindingly.

I couldn't comprehend the reason behind that unbreakable spirit of hers. But I knew, I wanted to crush it. So bad.

I realised, it had something to do with that unnatural stubbornness she possessed. So, I decided to break her and extinguish that light from her eyes.

Just the thought of it was exhilarating. Made me look forward to every day, for the first time ever.

But no matter what I did, she always stood with her head held high; with that undying, fearless look in her eyes. Like someone powerful had her back. So, no matter what I threw at her, she was ready to take me on with every cell in her.

It managed to piss me off at times, an emotion I had rarely felt before. But even more than that, it made me curious and I was able to look forward to seeing how she would react. I wondered, just how long, before she breaks? How much longer would she be able to hold out—?

His thoughts were interrupted, when his gaze fell past the starless night sky, onto his hand resting on his thigh. Straightening out his palm, he blankly stared at it for a long moment, before the memory came back crawling.

"Just get away from me!"

Mateen couldn't seem to erase those loath filled eyes, staring back at him with anger and rage and something else—A hint of scorn. Precisely, how he looked down upon those people, he considered too beneath his level to associate with.