Falling back in love

The first letter

Dear Dream,

    It's been a year since we broke up. The anniversary in fact. June 5th, 2019. I remember that summer. I remember our plans that we had. We were going to adopt another cat to be with Patches. We would stay up all night thinking of ideas to name it. I liked luna. You liked Pumpkin to go with Patches. We compromised on Poppy. Poppy & Patches. Yeah, I remember that. Though it's getting harder to remember. Harder to relive moments. I find myself not thinking about you for days, weeks. My friends say it's good, that maybe i'm finally moving on. I don't think so because eventually I find myself wanting you again. Looking through my photo album. Trying to relive moments. Listening to our favorite songs. Scrolling through old texts. I get so close to texting you. My thumb hovering over the send button. But I never send anything. Haven't sent anything since the night we broke up. I remember that night, though sometimes I wish I would forget it like I have with so many better memories. It was a chilly night. With a kind of tension in the air that warned something bad was going to happen. You were sitting at your desk, on a discord call with George and Sapnap. I was lying down on the bed. You had thrown your phone on the bed. While you were on the call, your phone was buzzing. I couldn't help but check who was texting you. 50 text messages. From your ex. Now I was hooked. I messed up by unlocking your phone and going to your guyses text messages. I saw that you had been very friendly to her and was still in contact with her. I asked you about it. You got defensive. I asked if you still had feelings for her. You hesitated and said no. You hesitated. That was it. With tears clouding my vision, I grabbed my phone and wallet and ran out of the house. You hung up on Sapnap and George and ran out of the house, following me. Why wasn't I good enough? Wasn't my love enough for you? A year later I don't blame you. I blame myself for not staying calm and not acting rationally. I loved you so much I didn't want to lose you and when I drove away from the house, I didn't think we would be done forever. I thought that maybe you would call in the morning. But you never did. In fact you never called, or texted ever again. I'm going to be honest, it's hard to find happiness without you. You were my ray of sunshine in the dark. The apple of my eye. The light at the end of the tunnel. Without you the sun doesn't shine anymore. I don't see an escape from the darkness that consumes me now. My friends tell me to try to date around. I tried. Most of the guys I saw sucked. Except for one. His name was Jackson. For some reason he reminded me of you. I told myself this time things would be different. I would be different. Here's the quick rundown of what happened. He cheated on some model. End of story. But hopefully not the end of ours.
    I saw a line from a book, I forget which one. It said "Right person. Wrong time." For a time I believed that was us. I waited a year to see when the right time would happen. When you would call, or text. But now I'm starting to believe that there will be no right time. That is not to say there isn't a silver of me that hopes that we will rekindle that spark we had. But I think that you will find someone else. Someone better. Because you are Clay. Girls are begging to date you. You have every option in the world. You are every girl's dream. And I'm me. I have no one lining up on the streets to see me. I don't have a friend I am super close to. When I was with you, you were my best friend. My everything.
    I was watching Youtube a month or two ago and you popped up on my recommendation. You on a podcast. I was intrigued, so I clicked on it. You were asked if you had any past girlfriends. You said "Yeah, 5." After I saw that I cried again. Was I a number to you? Just another girl. Another sad ending to nothing special. The person interviewing you asked why your last relationship ended. You said because of miscommunication on your part. I wanted to find you and tell you that it wasn't your fault. It was mine. I messed up. I overreacted. I should feel guilty not you. I feel like a terrible person.
    I live in New York City now. In a studio apartment. I would say it isn't fun living in the City, broke and alone. But that's just the reality. I'm in my last year of college. Studying political science and minoring in psychology . I switched my minor after we broke up. I wanted to understand relationships better, understand ours better.
    This summer I went to the beach. I was sitting on the jersey shore's steaming hot sand in a bikini, as one does at the beach. A group of boys no younger than 20 walked up to me. They asked if I was single. I said no, I said I had a boyfriend. I immediately thought of you. I remember that one time at the beach in Florida. Your sandy blonde hair was being blown all over your face, so I tied your hair back into a manbun. You said you hated it. But I thought you looked cute. You would pick me up and dunk me into the clear Florida water. You would laugh your signature laugh when I would tell you stories at the bonfire
You would blast Heatwaves on our way back to your house, sticking your head out the window, acting like a kid. You brought out the best in me.
    I wonder to this day if you still think about me. Do you remember the good parts of our relationship? Or do you remember the bad? How I ruined everything? Do you think about what we could've been? Do you cry thinking about what we had?
    If I could see you one day. Just to tell you all of this. But I don't have the guts. I can't tell you.
You are probably wondering why I wrote this letter. Heck, I am wondering this too. But I guess I am writing this so I wont forget. So I won't think that what we had was just a memory, just a distant Dream.
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I sent the letter the day after I wrote it. He responded within 2 weeks.
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A/N HI I HOPE YOU ENJOYED!! IF YOU ARE READING THIS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THE FIRST CHAPTER AHHH!!!
word count- 1179 :)