Behind the lights

Chapter 1

Ariana's POV

I just woke up. To be honest I just want to just sleep and never ever get up again. I really don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like trash, I feel like I'm nothing worth. This is the worst feeling ever. To feel like nothing. i am nothing. Most of the time, I just really want to end my life. It's not that I make any benefit if i stayed any longer. I don't really have a distraction from killing myself Anymore. Jai saved me, he saved my life, he didtracted me from killing myself.

But know where he cheated on me with my "bestfriend", Alexa. I know that I can't trust anybody.

"why do you cut your beautiful skin like that?" Jai says and starts kissing every cut on my wrist. I felt loved a tear falls down my chin. "i love you so much, Jai" I say. "I love you more, baby" he says wiping off my tears.

I blink a few times to stop the flashback and wipe my tears away with shaky hands. I stand up and head to the toilet. I look down at my feet while walking, I can't feel them.

As soon as i get in I look in the mirror. I see my mascara all over my face. I begin to cry even more as soon as I notice my blades on the desk.

I used them yesterday. Alot of people wonder why it feels so much better to cut in your skin. But it doesn't; I feel a lot more pain when I cut but I realised something. I deserve it... I do, I really do. Even through I'm the weakest person, I feel powerful when I cut. It feels so great.

A lot of people around me tries to convince me to go to a psycholog or doctor. But I swear nothing can help me. Forever will I be sudical. Once you are broken you can't get fixed again.

There is just so much going on, I can't keep struggling. I need to end my depression in anyway possible. The only solution I see is.. to end my life. Depression has taken over my life, therefor I have to end my life to end my depression. 'cause I really can't do this anymore. It hurts just to think of my fans, they can do this, I know they can do this without me. I just really need to end this nightmare that's supposed to be called my life.

My shaky hands grab out after the blades, my sudical part of me really want to cut myself.

"Ariana, please open the door" my mom yells from out side my bedroom door. I feel guilt, I feel like i can't do this to my mom. I hate to think of my mom, if I ended my life. She would be devastated I'm the only one she has right now. Frankie is in New York. Grandpa just recently died. But she knows how hard this stage is for me. She knows how hard im struggling to stay strong. But the truth is that I'm not strong. I'm sure she would understand, right?
I hope she knows how much she means to me.

I take my red lipstick out of my makeup bag. My hands shakes I can't even control it. I take the cork off the lipstick and begin to write a last message to my mom. It kills me to think that it'll be the last.

"I know you saw me stuggling, but I just can't do this anymore, to myself, you and my fans, they don't deserve my fake smile everyday. I just wanted to tell you one last time, I love you."

I couldn't hold my tears in while writing this. I just hope thats she knows that, that she was the best mom a girl ever could ask for.

I sat down on the cold bathroom floor. Really concidering if I really should do this to evryone around me. I shaked my head and thought this was the best way to make everyone happy at the same time.

I got up and reached out for the pills that i have hidden up over the chest of drawers, so my mom won't find them.

I took a handful of the pills, I slowly took them closer and closer to my mouth and suddenly i heard my mom yelling again. I let out all my tears. "Ariana, open the door please, Ariana!"

I ignored and swallowed the pills. I slowly couldn't feel my feet any longer. I felt down on the cold bathroom floor. But it felt like I was just falling and falling in infinity.

All I can see through my eyes starts to get blurry, my mom is still yelling and beating on the door, but.. but it gets lower and lower for every second there goes. Is this really how it feels like to die?. All I see now is all White I can now no longer feel any kind of pain. My body was just full of pain before. But now I can no longer feel my body. I can no longer hear anything. i feel released. This is the first time I ever felt this free, free from my painful body.. for a very very long time.

The White light was no longer white it started to get darker and darker untill it was all dark.