Endlessly Falling

How you Make me Feel (part 2)

You make me feel like I am drowning in an ocean and each night, I return and beg the waves to devour me. And as I come to surface the water and float, all the stars are shining down on me. And I can't imagine wanting to be anywhere else. I desire the pull of the waves, the air leaving my lungs, burning, weightless, and being thrown through the undertow, as if I am nothing. Yet I am everything that the ocean needs. The ocean begs me to come dance in its tides and appreciate its sights. The ocean and stars are a movie and I the audience.

That is how you make me feel. And maybe it's not rejection I fear, but maybe it's something more than rejection itself, knowing that you can have such an effect and presence in my heart and mind yet what if I am less than a thought to you. What if you forgot my existence the minute we walk away from each other. What if I thought of you six times today and you did not even think of me once. I think that would hurt more than any rejection, knowing that I am strong and kind and funny yet I am not enough to warrant a fraction of your thoughts.

It would fracture me because there would be nothing more I could do to possibly change how you feel. Knowing that I am not enough for you, yet you are everything for me. Maybe it's not about being vulnerable at all. Maybe it has everything to do with going home at the end of the day and having the belief that as your waves lure me in and crash into me and your stars shine and make me feel seen. I do not do the same for you. You are alone and I cannot reach the places your thoughts inhabit.

While I feel whole with you. You do not need me to feel anything. When I leave you at the end of the day, I leave you with nothing, you take nothing from me.

I consume the air in your lungs.

But the water that I drown myself in every night, is not your water, but my own silly delusion.

I go back to the ocean and drown myself in you. Knowing that none of it is true.