nicotine // l.h.

4

i was right. my hopes were brought up, only to find that they would end up dropped back down and shattered.

i'm an idiot. i was doing so well. i hadn't seen luke in an two whole months because i was avoiding him, turning away when he appeared on the sidewalk where we waited for the bus and sitting as far from him as possible.

but i couldn't help it this time. it was like i was drawn to him. it was 6:55 am. taking my usual seat on the sidewalk and lighting my cigarette, i decided it wouldn't be bad just to glance at him.

but hell, i was wrong. right at that moment, he kissed her. he fucking kissed her. the girl he had been with the day he spoke to me. the girl i thought he didn't care for. of course i was wrong, he would never like me. and i couldn't look away. yes, it was painful to see but i couldn't stop. i already fell far too deep to find my way out.

as i brought the cigarette away from my chapped lips and let out a puff of smoke, i felt something warm fall down, right into the palm of my hand which sat on my lap. it surprised me and i stared down at it in shock; a tear.

though pain was familiar to me, like it was the only thing i knew, i haven't cried in a long time. i haven't really felt anything in a long time. not since i was rejected and left by everyone i loved. besides pain and sadness, i was empty. void of feeling.

he brought my feelings back. he made my heart stop beating. he made my heart race. he made me care. but he made me hurt.

i was snapped out of my thoughts when the smell of exhaust fumes and the sound of tires coming to a stop filled the cold, morning air. 6:59. i pulled my hood over my head and quickly ran into the bus, hiding in the corner again.

i heard a cough. my head snapped up and i saw the boy that killed me just moments ago.

"are you hiding?" he laughed. then he stopped, examining my red eyes and the small trails of tears down my cheeks.

he dropped his bag on the floor and crouched down, closer to me. he gently placed his palms on either side of my face. and instinctively i pulled away, putting my hands on his chest and pushing him lightly.

"i- sorry," i apologized quickly, my voice hoarse and quiet. i noticed how tense i was and dropped my hands, but he grabbed one of them.

"why?"

"why what?" i said as i wiped my face with the other hand and sat up straighter, as if nothing happened.

he pulled away the hand that desperately wiped at my cheeks to get rid of the tears. now he held both of my hands in his warm, calloused palms.

"let me." he carefully wiped his shirtsleeve under my eyes, licking his lips. he then stopped and looked straight into my eyes, trying to figure out how i felt.

he got up and sat down beside me. after a few seconds of silence, he put his arm around me. he did this slowly, as if i were fragile. as if i would break any second.

"i meant why were you crying?"