The Struggle Is Real

Low Self-esteem

"Sometimes I think pain is just a lack of understanding if we could only understand it all,
Would we feel no pain?"
-Unknown.
"Life can bring much pain, there are many ways to deal with this pain,
Choose wisely."
-Unknown.

To the ones' among us who are
Suffering with depression:
"You were never created to live Depressed. Defeated. Guilty. Ashamed or Unworthy. You were created to be victorious."

"The Hardest Thing for Me to Do,
Is To Get You, To Know Me."
- Kendrick Lamar

Chapter 1

Low Self-esteem

Perhaps I was born with it, as a result I used to tell myself that I was not handsome, attractive, funny, smart nor sporty, and I constantly asked myself where I was supposed to fit in. As I constantly pondered over this question, I always seemed to arrive, to my dismay, at the same answer, which was 'nowhere'.
I was constantly the target of bullies in primary school and even in my residential locale of Tembisa. Then the dynamics of the bullying changed in that it evolved from being physical to being more mental. The consequence of this was that my psyche began being negatively impacted because I struggled to fit in; I was just a boring boy that was not liked by girls. I got rejected by girls ever since the boys in those days were
to tell me that I am scared of girls. And that would make me want to prove them wrong since I wanted to fit in. But it turns out I got rejected still. I suffered awful depression during my teens; I hated myself and this has been too much to handle ranging from people who had addictions in dealing with the pain and I would try to fix them. In the end, I made myself unwell with a bit of a breakdown.

Low self-esteem

This is how I feel when relationships fail, and I usually believe I'll be on my own forever and that nothing will ever work out for me, which makes me unhappy. I'll be the only unmarried sixth child in my family, with no children, and it hurts to think like this; it's as if I don't have a future. A genuine future or plans; anything that will make me feel good about my future. I could look a little better, but deep down. I have no faith in myself or believe that I am deserving of affection.
It's as if I don't have a future or plans that will make me feel good about the way my life is taking. I'm continuously battling my inner demons, which inevitably lead me to the land of shadows and gloom. In the land of shadows, I honestly believe I am undeserving of anyone's attention. I've tried talking to my friends and family several times, but my head keeps hitting the typical brick wall because people, even those closest to us, don't always have the time or patience to grasp the inner workings of our minds. Despite my greatest efforts to focus on anything positive or something that may lift my spirits, my mind inevitably return to unpleasant feelings and emotions.
I did have a social worker, which did help since I was afforded an outlet from which I could release some of my frustration at the hand that I feel life has dealt me. I did have a social worker, which was beneficial since my father provided me with an opportunity through which I could express my dissatisfaction with the hand that life had handed me.

Low self-esteem

I wish I could follow my own instruction "Walk on and walk tall if you find inner strength. Attempt to recall a time when you felt a lot of pride in yourself for a job well done, and try to concentrate on it." I used to focus about how poor I was, how I had been traumatized and how this had caused more problems in my life. My head was filled with bad thoughts and feelings.
My happy emotions were generated less, making me unhappy even when I was joyful. If I was healthy, my body made me unattractive.

Low self-esteem

Unhappy childhood with a critical father, bad academic performance in school, and a lack of self-confidence as a result of my lack of confidence. Continuously stressful life occurrences, such as breakups in relationships or financial difficulties. Even though I had a family who will support me financially but that will only happen if I ask Daddy for his permission but instead, he will tell me, 'No Lwando, we will see about that.' even if the situation is that bad, he would even say that and the only thing I would do, is too stay strong, as always....