short stories

dear mom

Dear Mom,

tears won't escape my eyes again. it's been years since i've been able to cry. i don't mean little tears or something that lasts a minute or two, i mean a good cry.

i want to let out the pain.

cut it off and circle in shame.

i want to starve myself.

i want to be broken by somebody and go beyond repair.

i don't want to be happy.

i don't deserve it.

i wasn't in pain, so why did i think these things?

the mirror stared back at me with a different face each day, the tired dark circles hanging under my eyes.

god i was ugly.

my teeth a yellow with braces on top. my hair a mess that can never be fixed.

my body uneven and uncurved, only flat and fat consistent through my skin.

i was short to my standard. i wanted to be tall. it was a power i could never have.

hunched back and smells reeked from my body. i couldn't shower, it took too much energy. i had no energy anymore. i was tired.

really tired.

however when i slept it was never good. i woke up in the morning, tired. i woke up in the afternoon, tired.

my sleep was always 8 hours, maybe on school nights closer to 6, but i should be able to survive off that.

and i have been.

since grade 6.

i did want to die, i've tried a couple of times. but that doesn't matter, nothing does. i don't matter. ask my family.

they say they know me, but i don't even know me. i'm nothing. i change from person to person. i resent myself.

i don't know why i write to you when i know i'll never show you. i think it's because i know you've been sad before too.

you've been depressed and wanted to die, you didn't hide some of it.

seeing you sad made me sad too mother.

please tell me what went wrong with me.

why do i feel such disgust at myself?

was it because of genetics? was it because of my own mind playing tricks?

anyways. i must go.

my house is loud .
i want to break down,
i can't take it right now.

dearest,

the worst mistake of your life.