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trust n emotions

[revised]

My heartbeat is dangerously fast, and at this point, I'll be okay with dying. I'll die happy.

My hands shake as I stare at the picture he sent me. There's no hands, no teasing besides the transparent black stripe of text that crosses the screen.

your neck.

I can't recall the last time I've felt this nervous for anything, it's almost unbearable. I shut my eyes, breathing tensely, trying to regain composure and attempt to slow my thundering heart.

No dice.

I just met this man, can I trust him? Well, I guess I've known him for a few months. Watching streams and videos constantly, looking up to him, wanting to talk to him. Wanting to feel him.

I pause.

Slow down, my mind screams. People can be completely different on and off camera. My mind recalls the first big streamer I met. I had been streaming Among Us when I met her; she came into the lobby bubbly and loud. However, when the cameras stopped, she went stone cold and harsh -- answering me with one word replies and leaving shortly after everyone's streams ended. She didn't even bother saying goodbye. I was concerned she'd had a bad day or if I had done something wrong. I was assured this was always how she behaved, and I felt a pang of disappointment, being completely wrong about someone I looked up to.

And then there was the semi-popular bedwars streamer I had the chance to talk to. He had joined a discord call me and my friends were sitting in, greeting his mutuals warmly and discussing topics he was passionate about. He seemed to be the same person off and on camera, perhaps even sweeter off camera. It was people like him that gave me enough trust in Dream's motives.

Dream wouldn't do anything detrimental to me or my career. I'm almost certain. I lift my phone and angle it, teasing him with only half my neck in frame. I define my jawline by sucking in a breath, and snap the photo just below my lips.

why? u want to b choked like i hate u? 🙄🙄

I send the photo before I can change my mind and toss it across the room, yelling at myself internally. I'm totally caught off guard and nervous, my flirty demeanor starting to shift to goofy in self defense. I hear my phone vibrate against the carpet in my room, but I make no attempt to grab it. Instead, I take a pillow and slam it against my face, screaming into it as if my life depends on it.

I stare at the phone by my feet, the bright notification mocking me. I give in and pick it up, swiping open Dream's snap.

The picture is almost an exact copy of mine. Dream's sharp jawline is the center of attention at the top of the picture. His shoulder is broad, covered by a green hoodie.

i'm more of a giver myself, the picture reads. I shudder.

He knows exactly what he's doing to me. I can practically feel his hands roaming my body, slowly making their way up until they wrap around--

Ding!

The doorbell rings. I completely forgot I asked Angie to come over in my panicked state.

I practically run to the front door, swinging it open and pulling her inside. I ignore her confused questions and drag her into my room where I place her on my bed. Pulsing adrenaline, I pace back and forth. I run a hand over my face and finally stand still.

Angie, looking utterly baffled, is the first to speak. "What on Earth did you take? Coke? What happened?"

I scoff half heartedly and drop my hand back down. "Dream happened. I took a line of Dream."

"Okay, bad joke, never landed. Elaborate." Angie beckons me over, crossing her legs on my bed, and settling in for my rant. Angie listens really well, and she's always available for me to share my heart with. No matter the situation, even if she doesn't understand the slightest, she's always there. I can trust her.

I slouch on the floor in front of her, imitating her sitting position. "I don't know, we've been snapping since this morning and I already feel myself getting in too deep." I sigh, remembering the last time I let my attachment issues control me. My ex, well not really ex, caused me the worst heartache I have ever felt. I'm afraid of commitment, so I seldom fall for someone. But when I do, I attach easily. Although we never dated, he sure acted like we were in a relationship. I latched onto that boy for seven months and fell in love with him. He treated me like his everything, and promised that he would never leave me. He told me that I was the only one for him and yet, broke my heart, leaving me with trust issues, a terrible self-esteem, and poor coping mechanisms.

I don't need a repeat of that.

"Things are moving fast, I'm worried it's going to happen again," I mutter to Angie. She understands right away, and climbs on the floor in front of me to hold my hands.

"If it does, it won't get bad like that again. I'm here. Now tell me exactly why you're spiraling." Her voice is soft, it soothes me.

I breathe carefully. "I guess we're flirting. We snap suggestive stuff back and forth and it just melts me, Angie. Just talking to him makes me nervous. I don't know what is going on, but I really like it. I- I don't know."

Angie's eyes search my face as she considers. "I think you should talk to him more, get to know him. Don't do anything you don't want to, but don't hold back either. It's your life, this is your dream guy. Go for it."

I snicker when she adds 'no pun intended' to the end of her speech, and bring her in for a hug. "Do you want to watch a movie? It's almost one in the morning, but you can just stay over."

Angie smiles and nods, standing up to make her way to the living room. I heave a sigh of relief. Getting everything out of my system feels much better, Angie always knows how to comfort me. I turn to my phone.

take me on a date first, I type, too tired to send a teasing picture.

The chat is opened right away.

might just have to.

I stare at my screen and giggle, biting my lip. Angie calls from the living room, so I leave Dream on open.

I'll play his games, but I'll also make my own rules.