The Ballad of a Robot

Kat: Saudade

I can feel things breaking. Are we gonna end up like them, baby?

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Saudade: A Very Short Story

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They say, "The love that lasts the strongest, is the one that's never returned." Never. Returned.

I'd like to think that he did return my love, that's easier to think about. Maybe that's just it, I guess. He'll be shining ang moving on while I'll be here as if I never grew out of my 16 year old self.

Everything started at this really wild party, teenagers, as usual. He was 18 and I was 16. That time, we never knew that the other exists. He asked me to dance, we talked a bit, exchange numbers. The usual drill. It just all came down when we realized that we're going out. Again. And again. And again.

We found out things about each other. Like how I love acoustics and that he can play the guitar, so he sings to me every time that he could. How I'll always choose daisies over roses, so he planted some of it in his mom's garden. How I like seeing the sun set to the other end of the planet, so he stays in our house every afternoon to watch it with me. There are a few times that we even see the sun and the moon greet each other.

I bake cookies with his mom during the weekends and he plays basketball with my dad every time he visits. Everything was perfect as if I was in a movie, I think every girl wants a love story like that. Everything was perfect until I clearly dissected every little moment we had, five years ago, into millisecond frames, trying to find where I went wrong or was there something I didn't see. Apparently, there is.

Everything was going really well and I wanted it like that. Maybe I asked for too much, maybe he got tired of it all, maybe I should have given him some space. Too bad, I didn't. Maybe he's really gone. The guy I actually cared about. He probably thought that I got mad at him or that I hate him, I don't.

Long story short, we broke up. Just like that.

I died a little every second he drifted farther away from me, but I don't want to keep him if he's unhappy with me. I often forget that love is also about letting go and God knows how I wanted to fight for him, but I love him enought to let him go.

A week later, I found out that he has a new girlfriend already. I really wished I could've said that I was happy for him. I want him to be happy with me. I was furious. I wanted to loathe him. I wanted to be angry at him for leaving me. I'd love to think that it was nothing. We were young anyways, we didn't know what we're doing. But why do I still feel like blaming myself?

In a school activity, a year later, I pretended I didn't see him, but I did. He was there and he was standing two feet behind me, watching the sunset like we used to. I saw his reflection in the mirror. What was that moment? What was he thinking? Why was I thinking about everything?

I still think of him though he'll probably never think of me again. Does she love him? Is she treating him right? there's a part of me that's hoping she'd break his heart. But then again, I wouldn't inflict that kind of pain even to my worse enemy.

I avoided him a lot. God knows what I'm gonna do if he'll smile at me for the first time in years. I don't know what I'm going to do if he'll hug me one more time. I might set myself on fire and explode.

But fate was cruel. We bumped into each other at a friend's party and he decided to talk to me, asking if I was okay, how was I doing. I said that I was doing good, I smiled at him. I wish I told him how I feel, but wouldn't that be just so weird? A girl doesn't talk to you for more that 4 years and then comes back and says "Hey! So guess what? I never stopped loving you. Come back" or "I'm sorry, I'm really in love with you."

The next and the last time I saw him was during his wedding, today. He actually remembered me, too bad I was not his bride. They're happy, she loves him and he loves her. I just thought that I, too, will be happy one day. And 'til that day, I'll be thinking of him. I left the church after he kissed his wife, applauds surrounded the venue behind my back. This is for the best, I say to myself.

Maybe we're not meant to be together in this world, but I'll see him again in the next world and it'll be amazing. He found me in the wrong universe, that is all. I'll probably find him in the next one and I'll love him as I have in this world. Hopefully, he, too, will love me just as much.