Chasing Air // Billie Eilish

Chapter 25

ELLIOT'S P.O.V

"Okay." I sighed. I thought for a very long time about what I could tell Billie to make her let me go without hurting her. She wasn't part of the plan. There wasn't supposed to be anybody new to make me hesitate. She was unexpected and I couldn't just ghost her. I cared too much. I had to lie.

Where could I tell Billie I was going? How could I make her mad at me so that she wouldn't even want me here anymore? I could tell her that I had to go back to England. To take care of my grandma. That was believable and that way I wouldn't have to piss her off. She didn't care that much anyways. I didn't think she did at least. Like Jeremiah said, I was not a very likable person. Nobody else could put up with me. I was too needy. There were too many things wrong with me. I was just stressing her out. She shouldn't have had to deal with my stupid problems. I could barely deal with my stupid problems. I didn't even have a permanent living situation or a job that could give me a permanent living situation. My life was ruined and it would never get better. This was the best course of action.

That's what I tried to tell myself anyway. I said it over and over until it was engraved in my mind. I couldn't just think it. That wouldn't work. I had to believe it.

-

"Is there a difference between loving and being in love?" Billie asked from her room. We found ourselves in this position so often. I sat down by my door.

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. What's the difference?"

"I don't know either but my take on it is: I love my gran. I love Claudia. I love Finneas. And I love you, but I'm not yet in love with you."

"Yet?" She laughed.

"Oh, well—I mean, you get what I'm trying to say. It's just the easiest way to explain what—" My door opened and a laughing Billie sat down beside me, kissing me.

"I know what you mean. I just like messing with you." My face heated up from embarrassment as she set her hands on my cheeks, kissing me again. "And it's really cute when you get nervous and start stuttering like that."

"Billie."

"Hm?"

"I have to go."

Her hands fell to her sides as her eyes searched mine frantically for answers. "Go? Go where?"

"Back to England. To take care of my gran."

"Why now? Why so suddenly?"

I sighed. "She can't afford to keep the nurse that comes to her house everyday."

"I can—I'll pay for it."

"Billie." I took her hand in mine and kissed it. "I need to go. I don't know how much longer she has and she's the only family I have left."

She nodded, her eyes glossing over. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. When are you leaving?"

"Like... tomorrow."

"Tomorrow." She pulled me into a hug. "This is... this is—wow. I can come see you though, right? I can come see you?"

Tears pricked at my eyes. Of course, not. I'll be dead. "Of course."

She let out a long sigh, wiping her face and smiling at me but I could tell that she was forcing it. "It's fine then."

-

"Stop crying, B. It's gonna be okay." I pulled her into a long hug.

"It doesn't feel like it." It didn't feel like it? She laughed. "I don't want you to go." She didn't want me to go.

"I know but you'll be fine. You'll forget about it in a couple weeks." Or a couple hours.

"Shut up." I should've shut up.

"I gotta go." I let go of her and she sighed. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." It was not my fault. "You need to go." I had to go.

I nodded and walked away.

1 day left.