Everything I Need

Body Aches

The next morning I woke up with the heaviness in my chest and the burning in my stomach again. Alex left really early, and only woke me to say goodbye. I tried the best that I could to go back to sleep but failed. I ended up getting up an hour after he had left and decided to take the dog out for an early morning walk around my community. I woke Belle, my Australian Shepherd, from her slumber and she lazily followed me up to the door where I put her leash on and we then made our way outside. Belle is only five months and I got her once I moved out of my mom's house. Mom never allowed me to have one so it was the perfect opportunity and the perfect companion for my journey to adulthood. 

Belle and I walked all around the community and around the playground. The community has a small dog park and since I was in no hurry to go back to the apartment I decided to stop by there and let Belle run around freely. Being that it was only 8 in the morning, nobody was here yet, but it was a good place for Belle to get some exercise and for me to sit with my thoughts for a bit. 

Alex and I had sex all night, and none of it good. I fake the whole thing, and I prayed he didn't catch on. How is it, that two people that seem so compatible, have so much chemistry, end up not being able to figure each other out in bed? To me, it just felt like a little bump in the road; something we have to work on until we get it right. I was able to put up with it with Jasper, and I didn't even feel the strong connection I feel with Alex, so this is no problem for me. Alex, however, I know isn't taking it so well. I felt him stiffen up when I cuddled up next to him as we tried going to sleep after the three sexual attempts we had. 

When we were just friends, he used to brag about the sexual adventures he had. I remember specifically one event, where his ex-girlfriend was leaving him for someone else. He told me they were talking about it, of her wanting to end it and start new with someone else. He said he was devastated, and before she left they had sex one last time. I remember the sly smile he had on while he was telling the story. He pumped up his chest and had this shimmer in his eyes as he boasted about making her cum five times. He gloated about all this experience he had every time I would complain about Jasper and his inexperience, and about how unsatisfied I was. "Jasper is a boy" Alex would say, "you need a man."

Now I wonder if he always meant the man I needed was him, and that's why he is more disappointed than I am, because he always wanted to give me the experience he felt I deserved, and he knew in his heart the one we had wasn't it. But still, I couldn't wait to see him and try again. I checked my phone over and over again to see if he finally texted me. I was growing impatient and the pain in my chest and stomach was growing even stronger. I called Belle over and put on her leash again and walked back to the apartment. I checked my phone again once I got there, still no text from Alex. I had planned to go to the gym, but with this pain I felt that was starting to take over my whole damn body I know I couldn't manage. I decided to take a long shower instead, do my skincare routine, and put on my comfiest robe, and try to read. 

One of the things I had planned to start doing again after graduation from Nursing school and the passing of my NCLEX was reading. I was always a big bookworm but then nursing school took over my life and so did studying for the NCLEX. Now that I finally started my career in nursing, I can restart the hobby I loved so dearly before. I put on cozy socks and sat in the chair by the balcony window with Belle laying next to my feet. I tried to concentrate but felt my fingers tingle with the need to check my phone again. Still no message from Alex. I paced around the room. Just text him,  I thought; it's only Alex. 

I grabbed the phone and sent a quick text,

Made it okay?

Alex: Hey, yeah I'm sorry I didn't text you. It's been really busy since I got here.

Alex worked at his Dad's auto shop. He was still not decided on what he wanted to do as an official career so he worked there full time while being a part-time student at the university,  picking up classes he thought were interesting until he figured out what he truly wanted to do for the rest of his life. Last night as we were falling asleep, he asked me why I wanted to be with him. He said I could have whoever I wanted and that he seemed like the least likely candidate, considering my life was on track and he seemed to be at a standstill. I told him I love him for who he is as a person and for the way he treats me, and that I would be beside him to support him with whatever he decided to do; the career choice wasn't important to me.

I can't wait to see you again, I texted, hoping I don't sound too desperate.

We had plans to go to the beach tomorrow, I was off of work until Monday so we wanted to spend the weekend together.

Alex: I'll pass by tonight. 

I sat back down on my chair and tried to relax a little. I can feel a small smile forming on my lips because he just so quickly resolved my desire to see him. But I still had the pain running through my whole body and I couldn't fully relax.

Alex: I can't hang out tomorrow as planned, I promised my friends I'd go over and have a game night.

I felt my heart drop. From the start he didn't want to do anything else but spend time with me, we had already made plans and just from one moment to the next he changed them? I didn't want to seem spoiled because I knew we were spending a lot of time together, but it just seemed odd; like a change in the atmosphere all of a sudden, a whole different vibe. 

Suddenly, I knew what it meant. It's not an exaggeration, it's not a misinterpretation of the words. This pain I was feeling radiating from my chest down to the tips of my toes was my body telling me what my heart and soul already knew, this relationship was over as quick as it started. 

I took a deep breath in and out. I didn't want to seem dramatic, and I didn't want to talk about this through a text message but my body wouldn't let me rest unless this was addressed. I tried to be as direct as possible,

Do you still feel the same way about me?

Alex: What do you mean? Of course, I do. 

I don't know, I just feel like you have been off since we had sex. 

Alex: You know I just feel bad because I feel like I've disappointed you.

But I told you, you have nothing to worry about.

Alex: I know! It's just me being paranoid, don't worry about it.

So you still want to be with me?

Alex: Yes, always.

I put the phone down and started walking around the apartment again. Belle could feel my unease because she began whimpering and following me around too. He claimed he still wanted to be with me, denied my suspicions yet my body still aches like if a car just ran over me. I realized it was already noon and I had yet to eat anything but with the body aches came the nausea so I resorted to the one thing that could never do me wrong, coffee. I made a fresh pot and poured some in my favorite nursing theme mug, given to me as a "yay you passed the NCLEX and are officially a nurse" gift by one of my best friends, Stacy. I drank one, then another, and tried to read my book again. No luck. I decided to text him back then, 

Okay, whatever you say.

An hour later, as I was reorganizing my bookshelf since my mind had little use for anything else, Alex texted back. 

Alex: I just don't feel the same way about you anymore, I don't know why. 

I threw my phone across the room and screamed so loud Belle hid under my bed and I thought I heard a glass crack.