Everything I Need

Drowning

I felt my body start convulsing. I started heaving. Breaths were coming out raspy.

I knew it. I freaking knew it. Why lie? Why put me through this? OVER SEX? Over ONE bad night? He said he was in this for more than the sex; that we were meant to be together.

I couldn't stop shaking. My whole body was trembling. I was in a state of shock. I should've listened to everyone who warned me not to fall for him, that if I wanted to break up with Jasper I shouldn't jump into another relationship, that I didn't know if his feelings were genuine or if he just wanted to fuck me.

But it was Alex. My best, closest, dearest, friend. I thought I knew him. Never in a million years did I think he'd be the one to break me like this.

I tried to calm myself down. Take deep breaths. But my mind was racing. Tears wouldn't stop flowing, and I could feel my face red. I was crying loud and ugly and there was no stopping. I wanted to text back, ask him why, ask him what made him change his mind when just yesterday he told me he loved me and we were meant to be. But I know what it is. I know it's the sex. But I can't believe it's the sex, because if it's the sex than the only reason he was in this was for the sex. Because if he truly loves and cares for me he wouldn't be putting me through this all because he didn't know how to fuck me.

I walked to where the phone landed to inspect the disaster, see if I had left it in shatters and it was ruined, giving me no opportunity to answer him. But the phone was fine, just a cracked screen with everything else intact. I let out a shaky breath and tried to compose the best message I could. I wanted to sound sure of myself, understanding, and patient; but my hands kept shaking and the more I typed and deleted and typed again, the more the message came out the same way I felt: like a hot mess.

I put the phone down and took a long breath in, and let a longer one out. Hands still shaking, I pressed them against my eyes and rubbed them with a force that I felt as though I was trying to erase them all together, maybe by erasing my eyes and my sight my memories will go out the window with them.

At the end I gave into my emotions, allowed them to overtake me, dove into them the way I would dive into a swimming pool. Picking up the phone again, I began typing:

What the hell do you mean you don't feel the same way anymore? An hour ago you said you still wanted to be with me?

Without reading it over I hit sent. But I wasn't waiting for a response, my emotions wouldn't let me. I had dived into the pool already, and I was in the deep end, my feet kicking to keep me afloat:

Yesterday you said we belonged together. You said you loved me. You said we were meant to be. What happened in the last hour that made you go, "no just kidding I just don't feel the same way anymore"?????

Before I could send another one he replied:

Alex: I don't know, I stopped feeling it last night after the sex. I didn't want to lie and just stay with you even though I didn't feel the same way anymore, I didn't want to do to you what I did to Stephanie and just stay with you even though I don't love you like I thought I did. Trust me this hurts me too, I stayed up all night crying wondering what went wrong.

That's when my feet stopped kicking, and I began to sink:
Lie to me?
After sex?
Cried all night?

My heart was beating faster and faster and faster and it wouldn't stop. The pain in my chest was stronger than ever. Snot from all the crying was getting spread all over my face as I was wiping it off. I'm crying so hard I'' afraid the neighbors are going to come check up on me, not like I really know the neighbors, but I'm pretty sure I sound as though I'm being tortured right about now.

I take a few more deep breaths as I'm starting to compose my next message. I'm in awe, completely starstruck. My dearest friend is making me feel this way. I never , in a million years, would think this could happen to me. I thought I was smarter than that. Thought I was tougher than that. More clever than that.

He's hitting and quitting. What everyone said he would do.

My fingers are typing at a mile per minute:

So you're going to hit it and quit it? Just fuck me and leave me? I can't believe you're doing what everyone said you'd do. I can't believe you're proving them right after I defended you for so long.

I'm sinking but my body is still resisting, still coming up and gasping for air:

I believed you. I thought you were the one for me. You made me feel so loved, you made me the happiest I've felt in such a long time. I felt safe with you, at peace. I said, "this is it, I end up with my best friend." And now you're doing this to me ? Why? Why are you doing this to me?
Alex: Audrey I didn't mean to. I'm not just fucking and leaving. I would never do that. I just don't feel the same way anymore and I don't want to live in a lie the way I did with Steph. In that situation none of us is happy.

My lungs are still gasping for air, hands and arms are flapping, attempting to stay afloat:

I ended a SIX year relationship for you. I TRUSTED you. AND YES YOU ARE JUST FUCKING AND LEAVING! IT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DOING. You're an asshole. A fuck boy. Like everyone said you were. Like everyone warned me. You're leaving because you're too proud to accept the fact that you couldn't "rock my world" the way you planned. That you didn't leave me begging for more. You're upset you're fantasy didn't come true. You're upset that I faked it. Now you can't stand it because you're not man enough so you're leaving.

There was a long pause. I was still heaving and sobbing as I waited while patting Belle's head when I received his response:

Alex: you're right. The sex wasn't what I expected. It changed everything. I'm sorry, I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life.

I didn't hesitate in my response to him:

Yes, you do.

At that my body relinquished control, and I began to drown.