A Gay Vibe From Me?

Chapter 14

Amanda Rollins Has Feelings For Me? Olivia Benson is absolutely beside herself, and repeats this statement over and over in her head for countless minutes. Currently, she's at Amanda's house, with her subodinate cuddled up in her lap, in the middle of the night; mentally, she's a million miles away, in a place where she doesn't have to be confused about her feelings for this beautiful, soft, stubborn woman she's just recently begun to form a real friendship with. Although she's having trouble grasping it, there is no doubt in Olivia's mind that Amanda Rollins has just gone beyond that friendship to confess romantic feelings for her even though she wasn't totally clear. Luckily, Olivia has fostered the habit of talking herself off the ledge, so to speak, and get herself out from inside her head. She's being as clear as she possibly can, Liv, as clear as she can be.

Olivia Benson has only recently come to realize her own romantic feelings she holds for the detective  feelings that teeter way beyond friendship  yet she can't begin to even wrap her head around the fact that the feelings are mutual. Feeling scared, unworthy, and more confused than she ever has in her life, Olivia silently curses the continuous and passionate knocking of her heart against her ribcage, as she glares down into the mess of blonde hair swimming in her lap. Her palms are sweaty, and the all-too-familiar bile she's grown accustomed to lately begins to collect in the back of her throat, yet again.

"Amanda..." the lieutenant finally manages to utter, as she swallows an unpleasant taste. "What kind of feelings do you have for me?"

"Ha," Amanda sleepily chuckles, digging the back of her skull into Olivia's pelvic region. "Like you don't already know, Liv."

Though Olivia is beyond tired, and now a little turned on, she can't help but encourage the detective's vagueness.

"I don't know, Amanda. Please, enlighten me."

Amanda sighs, feeling both exasperated and a little nervous that she's the one who has to say it first. She sits up from between the lieutenant's legs, wraps her hair into a messy bun, grabs Olivia's moist hands, and looks her right in the eye. "I don't do labels, Liv. I like who I like; I fuck who I fuck. Believe it or not, I've never been one for rules."

"Yeah..." Olivia whispers, staring off into nothingness, grounded only by the physical tug of Amanda's freezing cold fingers wrapped in hers. "I believe that."

The brunette's mind quickly flashes back to the time Babs Duffy kissed her, and how it made her feel. She physically shutters with a little disgust, a little excitement, before speaking her truth.

"I...'Manda...I- I don't know. I've never even kissed a woman willingly before."

"Wait," the blonde interjects, eyes widening into big blue circles, hands escaping from the surprisingly tight grasp of her superior to form a point with her index finger. "You've kissed a woman before?"

Olivia rolls her eyes and hangs her head in shame. "She kissed me. I didn't really want...it..." she adamantly declares, clearing her throat. "I didn't really want her." This is getting too uncomfortable, but Olivia reminds herself that Amanda has just opened herself up to her in the most intimate of ways: after a flashback. Deep breaths.

"Let me show you what it's like to kiss someone you want," Amanda replies so confidently, she's even a bit surprised herself.

Olivia responds viscerally with a jump. She is certain her heart rate can't possibly be below two-hundred beats per minute at this point; she attempts to subtly check her pulse by wringing her right hand around her left wrist  like she's giving her joints a massage. Amanda stares at her, smiling, blue boring into brown. To relieve the dryness that has taken up residence in her mouth, Olivia swirls her tongue around inside of her mouth before she speaks.

"Honey, no," the brunette states defeatedly, physically shaking her head. "You just woke up...and it's the middle of the night...you...you just had a terrible flashback." Although it sounds reasonable, Olivia knows she's actually failing quite miserably to justify something that should have happened years ago. She wonders if she should continue to rationalize, unable to look Amanda in the face; instead, she peers up toward the corner of the ceiling, where the strong rays of moonlight are spilling into the living room, illuminating the cobwebs hanging from the top of the apartment. "I'd just be taking advantage of you. Come here. Just let me hold you."

Amanda's eyes fly open in rebuttal.

"Liv!" Amanda screeches, as she inches closer to the lieutenant, who is glistening with perspiration. "I've been waitin' a long time for this. Seven years, to be exact. I don't know if it's everythin' that's happened lately that's making me not give a shit...you know how death does that...life's too short and all...or, if it's because you've shown me lately just how much you care about me. But I like you, Olivia. I really, really like you. Please don't let me bein' a chick ruin this."

"Amanda," Olivia chastises with a giggle, "it's not just your gender. I'm your boss. Can you even imagine what would happen if people found out about us?" "Us," she repeats. "I mean, can you even imagine what people would think if they found out I even stayed the night here? I'm supposed to act like a professional."

Amanda releases a ragged breath. "Fuck people. Fuck anyone else but you, Liv. Sorry, but that's how I feel."

Frannie has now jolted awake, and seems to sense her mother's distress. She leaps up into Amanda's lap, and consequently jabs her slightly-overgrown claws into her owner's bare leg, which causes Amanda to let out a light yelp in pain. "Frannie Mae!" Amanda screeches, as Olivia instinctively jumps to rub the injured area on her hurting friend. "Baby girl..." Amanda continues, eyes glued on Frannie. "Ouch...mama's been slacking with clipping your nails, hasn't she?" Amanda can't help but let the smile that has been tugging at her lips bloom, resolutely glowing that Olivia Benson's hand is caressing her bare thigh.

"Do you remember the one time we acted as a couple at that sperm bank?" Olivia asks, frantically pulling her hand away once she realizes what she's doing, in an attempt to break the tension.

"Haha!" Amanda laughs, feeling a little relieved herself that the sexual tension has disapated. "I do, Liv. That was fun."

"It was more than just fun to me, 'Manda." Olivia sighs, the truth building up inside of her chest, threatening to explode. "I really thought about it, for so long afterward. Actually, I don't think there's a day that goes by where I don't see us there, hand-in-hand, acting. I could see myself really doing that with you, 'Manda. I had to push those feelings down, because I wasn't ready to take a look at them but...now...Amanda...I really think that I want something like that with you." She clears her throat. "I want you."

Amanda cannot contain her joy. It seems as though any memory of the flashback she experienced just minutes ago has vanished into thin air - all the pain of her childhood, her father, her addiction everything, simply gone all thanks to Olivia Margaret Benson.

And finally, after all of this time, after seven damn years, Olivia steps outside of her comfort zone to really look into Amanda's eyes for what seems like the first time ever. Murky, mottled brown, juts into soft, hopeful blue. Olivia returns her trembling fingers to Amanda's inflamed thigh, and begins to rub the sore again.

Amanda involuntarily gasps as Olivia's fingers dance. Olivia inhales as she leans her body forward. And she kisses her. And the world stops.