Into My Life - A Journal

2/7/2015: Negativity

I've recently been thinking about my life lately. I live in an incredibly small town where everybody knows my name, but that also means everybody hears the rumors about what really happens. I already know what I want to do with my life and I love what I'm studying in school so that's never been a problem. 

I see online all the time about people telling other people to get rid of the negatives parts of their lives. That we should keep positivity and cut people out who are holding us back. I want more than anything to do that, but it's not that easy. What if the negatives are family members? What if the one thing holding you back is something you can't get rid of? If I could afford to I would move away right now and take the advice, but I can't. I'm still in school and I'm trying to save money until I graduate and can get a better job. It's easy to give advice and say, "Get rid of the negative aspects of your life," but some people don't realize what that could entail. If I get rid of the negative aspects of my life chaos will erupt in my family. It would cause everybody to start fighting each other. 

All I've been doing lately is dreaming about what will happen when I can finally move away. Day dreaming is usually all I have. The one thing I haven't tried to deal with is what I do until then. I had been clean from self-harming for over a year before, but I couldn't hold it any longer. I've relapsed two or three times in the last couple weeks. Emotionally I am not doing well at all. I don't even know how to deal with it anymore. I exercise, I write, and I talk to my best friend about it but the worse things get the more I need other things to distract myself.

That's pretty much why I made this account again. Between my other accounts on here and tumblr it's incredible the different responses I've gotten from people. I've had people come to me with no purpose other than to help. I've had people talk me out of self-harming that night or sending me a message telling me that my writing saved them. It's a good and bad thing. It's bad because after my experiences people online are a lot nicer than the people I've met in my real life. It's good because at least I've been able to find people and friends that do care. I never thought I'd find that.

So this is my first step in trying to be more honest about myself and trying to be more positive. I can't get rid of the negative aspects of my life, but I can work hard to try to be more positive. I'm still a mess, but I am tired of feeling like this. I need things in my life to change so I need to change.