Into My Life - A Journal

03/14/2015 - Stuck in this One Place

Have you ever gotten the feeling that your life isn’t moving forward? That you’re just stuck in the same place? Like everybody around you is running around and moving, but you’re stuck sitting in a chair? I’ve been getting that feeling a lot lately. I’ve gotten that feeling many times.

                Looking at my graduating class most of them are graduating from college or married or have children or two of them or even all three of them. Many of them are getting engaged and planning weddings. They’ve moved on and started their lives, but I haven’t. I realize it isn’t a competition, but it still feels terrible. I’ve never been in a relationship and most of the time I even doubt I’ll ever be in one. I can’t possibly see anybody actually falling for me. I don’t own my own car and the only job I have is babysitting. I ride with one of my parents to classes and spend the entire time before, in between, and after classes alone in the library. I’ve tried joining in, I’ve tried talking to people, and I’ve tried going other places on campus but the problem isn’t the place. The problem is always me.

                I keep feeling that everybody else is moving on with their lives while I am stuck in one place. There is so much I want for my life, but I want and need to graduate college first. There are so many places I want to be but I need to be graduated and have the money for it. My head is filled with all these dreams, plans, and goals. It’s not that they’re unreachable either because they’re completely reachable, but they all depend on me graduating college first and getting a job to save up money.

                I feel like I am losing my mind. I don’t overhear people commenting on it though so I know I’m most likely overthinking this entire topic. I know everybody goes down their own path. I know not everybody marries before college or in college. I know not everybody has a family right away and I know not everybody moves out of their parents’ house after they graduate high school or even college. I know that every path is unique and whenever somebody asks me about what I’m doing now I tell them that I am going to college (for free of all things), I tell them that I am babysitting and saving up money, and they always tell me how great it is and they usually congratulate me on my recent weight loss too. I know all of those things, but that’s not always how my brain processes the subject. What my brain focuses on is the fact that I don’t want to be here. It focuses on the fact that I hate it here and that I am suffering here.

                I need to make one step. I need to make on small step to change what I am doing. I need to go to more events on campus or I need to make one friend or ask one person at school to hang out. I need to do what thing out of the ordinary for me. I need some kind of change or I will lose it even more.