stargazing / Pansy Parkinson

it's complicated

victoria malvis

it was past curfew, but i couldn't sleep. i needed fresh air. so i went out. susan and hanah were already asleep. i took my cigarettes and went to the astronomy tower. i smoked when i needed to just stop feeling.

when i got to the astronomy tower i put on some slow music and lighted a cigarette. i just breathed in in slowly and looked at the sky. i was so unfair. the life. the i heard some light footsteps. probably some other student. i thoughted and didn't look. 

''Victoria?''

i turned. she was standing there. 

''oh hey. what are you doing here''

''couldn't sleep'' Pansy replied and sat besides me. ''you?''

''same'' i offered her a cigarette and she took it. ''didn't know you smoked''

''i don't but right now i could use it''

''what's wrong''

''it's complicated.'' she said looking at the sky ''and you?''

''it's complicated'' we just sat there listening to music and smoking for a minute. 

''i like this music. what is it?'' she asked

''oh, it's just some songs that calm me down i guess, i'm not sure'' i giggled. 

she turned to me and i looked into her eyes. ''i have to confess something'' i said slowly looking back up ''i know you don't feel the same way but i like you Pansy. i do. and i don't care if we are just friends i want to be close to you'' i said quietly. 

she didn't respond. so i just sat there. it was out, and at this point i didn't care. i wanted her to know.  ''say something please'' i begged. 

she just placed a hand on my chin and kissed me. i wasn't ready for that kind of response. but i didn't mind. 

''i'm sorry. this all just new to me'' she said ''i like you too, but i -i i'm just confused i don't know''

''it's alright'' i said and took her hand into mine. she laid her head on my sholder and we both looked up in the sky. 

''i'm scared i will lose people. Draco's already well not himself'' she started talking ''but i don't want to be away from you too. i just don't know what to do'' a tear fell down her face. i knew exactly how she felt, i went through, and it's not pleasant or easy.  it's heartbreaking, nerve wrecking and soul breaking. ''do you regret the people you lost?'' she asked

''yes. yes i do. all the motherfucking time'' i started '' sometime i think maybe i've should have kept quit and live my life like nothing is wrong. i lived like that for a year or so. but then i said enough. i was tired so fucking tired of that. and i chose my happiness over my future and friends and family''

she was quiet ''i have only one friend now from my old school. and she told me i looked more lively and shit like that'' i took a beep breath ''i do i feel more alive and happy then ever, but i miss them i miss them so much. i miss my old life and my my parents. i sacrificed everything in my life and future so i can be myself. and that's not fucking fair. i don't want to ask you to do something like that.  so i understand. we can't be together, i don't want you to go through something like that.'' i wiped a tear away from my eye. 

pansy parkinson

i listened to her carefully. i hated how hurt she sounded. she didn't deserve that. i felt so sorry for her. 

''you know what?'' i said catching her gaze. ''screw them'' i said and pulled her up and kissed her again. ''we can do whatever we want. we will get through this together. i don't want you to be alone on this.'' we laughed. i loved her laugh. i made her laugh and it just felt right. ''maybe you want to spend the night with me? i don't want to be alone tonight'' i said and she nodded and we walked bac to my dorm hand in hand. we just cuddled and fell asleep. 

i wanted her to feel safe. i know that some people would stop talking to me, but also knew that the real ones wouldn't care.

sorry for not posting in a while. it's just hard rn i have so much on my mind but i'm better :)