corbyn had the notebook pages grasped in his sweaty palms. they were all crumpled up and wrinkled, crackling every time his fist clenched tighter. his nails were digging right through the thin pages, stabbing into his soft skin. he slammed the papers down on the island in front of him with shaky breaths as his eyes timidly looked up at the male on the other side.
"daniel," he breathed, "what the fuck were you thinking?!" his voice boomed around the open walls and high ceilings, "everybody out!" he demanded, head snapping towards the gathered crowd of their friends, "out!" he repeated. the concerned group of people filed their way out into the cold outdoors, obeying corbyn's orders.
"corbyn—calm down, i-"
"no!" the brunet cut in. he stifled out a pained laugh and raised his hands to his face, pulling the porcelain skin downwards, "you-you ugh! look what you've done now! your so fucking stupid daniel, why?!" he cried. he grabbed one of the paper's which was painted in words. words that wrapped their way around his heart and squeezed it until it throbbed and struggled to beat. the words suffocated his lungs and ripped at his brain. they flowed through his blood and overwhelmed his veins. they did the exact opposite of what daniel had intended.
"corbyn i had to. i had no other way to tell you. every time i open my mouth you shut me down!" the blond defended, "those papers explain it all. all the thing you won't let me say!"
the brunet's fist collided with the marble counter with force strong enough to send a stinging pain through his bones. "there's a reason i don't spend time with you anymore. this is the reason, i knew you would do this! daniel, you and i both know this won't work, it's not allowed, it's impractical, we were supposed to be suppressing our feelings and you write ten pages of your love for me?!"
"yes corbyn," daniel rolled his eyes and let his lungs release the built up air through a long sigh, "i am in love with you. i am so in love with you that it hurts. that's why i did it, i needed to. we've had this unspoken love between us for two years corbyn! i needed relief, i can't keep containing it."
"well i didn't want to hear it," corbyn grabbed one of the paper's and tore in straight in half, "i was doing just fine! you had to fuck everything up didn't you?" he spat.
"you are so selfish corbyn! you're not the only victim here. i've been in pain for so long because you won't let me have you. you won't reject me and you won't accept me! i want closure."
corbyn pursed his lips, watching the tears pool in daniel's eyes, welling around his perfect blue orbs. perfect. he shook his head and anxiously flipped through the pages again, "a-and you thought professing your love would fix this?"
"god corbyn, i don't know! you already knew i loved you—and i know you love me! but you won't let the conversation happen and you keep me waiting and you flirt back to me and then shut it down and you—you drive me insane!" he pressed his fists to his eyes, soaking the tears into hands, "we had to talk about this," his voice cracked, "or at least i had to. because i'm so in love with you that i wake up every morning and feel sick. i feel like i'm dangling off the edge of a cliff and your stomping on my hands, begging for me to fall, but your pulling me back up at the same time!"
corbyn let his own tears cascade down his face. he was oblivious to the fact that they were there, but the unfamiliar feeling of the warm stream rushing down his cheek made him jump. "look what your doing to me daniel. i don't cry, i don't show emotions, i have walls! why do you think you can do this?"
"corbyn just say you love me. please. i know you do, but i need to hear it."
"you're making this worse," corbyn's voice was shaking just as his hands were. he couldn't face this right now, he just couldn't. "i'm scared," he admitted, "it won't work—we won't work! everything is against us including me. i won't let this happen."
daniel walked around the side of the island and grabbed corbyn's face. the brunet's breathing came to a halt as he looked up at the taller. "i love you," daniel repeated, "and now that it's verbally out there, i have nothing to lose." his thumb pulled at corbyn's lip and he trailed his eyes up to make contact with corbyn's as if his look were a way of asking for permission. corbyn never pulled away. in fact he slowly inched in which gave daniel all the confirmation he needed to smash his lips on to the older boy's. his hands explored his chest while corbyn's fingers found themselves tangled in his blond hair. daniel pushed the boy backwards until he hit the counter, hand gently gliding over corbyn's neck.
"we can't," corbyn breathed. he let his lips rest on daniel's for just a second more before he scrambled to push the boy off of him, "no, no, this isn't going to—no!" he wiped the back of his hand across his lips, washing daniel's touch away, "i won't let myself love you."
"you already have!"
"fuck!" corbyn screamed, sliding down the counter. "you make this so difficult! why do you have to love me, why?"
"i don't know," daniel crouched in front of him, "but it's not all that bad. if you just let it hap-"
"no!" corbyn sobbed, "i won't be with you! is that the closure you want? we will never happen!"
it took a minute for the blond to grasp his mind around those words. he spent to years helplessly falling for his best friend to be shit down like this? daniel stood up and backed away. he couldn't keep doing this to himself. this boy was killing him and he felt as if he were beyond saving. "fine," he wiped his tears, "fine. i hope you know i meant every word i wrote on those pages—and i hope you know how much you've hurt me."
"i know daniel," corbyn swallowed back the lump in his throat and nodded, "if i hurt you so much, how can you love me?"
"i don't know."
"i won't be with you. forget about your feelings for me and i'll forget everything too."
daniel grabbed his pages from off the counter, one slipping out of his hold. he walked to the fireplace and littered the sheets into the blazing flames, turning them to ashes. he turned back to corbyn and smiled, "i guess we were never meant to be," he stated before turning away from the source of his pain.
corbyn watched him disappear around the corner and he sobbed. it wasn't fair of him to hurt. he knew it wasn't. he broke daniel after he laid his whole heart out on the table and he was the one crying? he had no right to try and be the victim.
he crawled over to the sheet of paper that didn't reach the fire and held it to his chest.
12/28/20
corbyn i wish you would just let me say this to you face to face. i don't know why you think it's okay to play with my heart like this. i feel like i hate you sometimes, but that's impossible because i'm so utterly in love with you. yesterday when all five of us were in the group facetime, i had my attention on your screen the whole time. seeing your face light up as you talked about the presents you bought ashley and the dumb fights you and jordan got into, was more than any present i could ever ask for. i wish you'd listen to me. corbyn i love you. i love you more than i love music. yeah, that much. i spend countless nights without rest because your in my mind. your voice and your laugh and your smile. i know it's not fair of me to want so much from you. whenever we talked about relationships, you told me over and over that love was your biggest fear and that you weren't ready for it. i wish i could respect that, but i fell for you. hard. and i know you fell for me too corbyn. you love me. but my love for you is a curse. a curse that can't be lifted or cured and i just have to try and find my way around it because you'll never let me have you. no matter what i'll be here though. and if you are ever ready, i'll be waiting.
-love daniel
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[a/n]
yeah sorry abt the inactivity. lol i'm gonna work on requests this weekend ❤️
