I Miss Lexie

Who is Lexie?

Therapy was not my idea. It's never been my idea. In the past when I've had therapy, it either made me feel worse, or just a waste of my time. But here I am, face to face with a therapist who has a notebook and pen in his hands.

"I have my kids. I have my friends. What else do I need?" I pulled a fake smile, trying to get back to whatever work I still had, quickly.

"How about when you were lying in a hospital bed not able to talk or hear? Was it enough for you then?"

If I'm gonna be honest, no, it wasn't enough. As I was lying on that bed I thought about all the people that I had lost, and I desperately wanted them to be there with me. But I couldn't tell my therapist that, he would admit me to psych so fast.

So instead, I told him "Yes, it was enough, it still is enough. Why would you think any different?"

He just smirked at me, and looked down at his notepad.

"I think you're lying to me Meredith. But I can't force you to talk about something you can't even admit to yourself. So tell me about someone. Someone you've lost."

I was taken aback. Someone I've lost? I wouldn't even know where to start with that. So I started off with someone I could talk about easily.

"Susan Grey. She was my Stepmom. She crammed herself into my life, even when I was defiant to not let her."

'Like Lexie.' I thought. But I didn't say it out loud because the last thing I needed was to cry in front of the entitled man before me. So I kept going.

"She was a good mom to Lexie and Molly. And an even better wife. She was everything I never had. It made me mad. But somehow that hate melted away into love. After my mom died, she came over to my house every week with groceries. All my friends loved her. But it annoyed me. So when she showed up at work, I shouted at her. I still regret it to this day. She was only trying to help. And I had just pushed her away, like I do everyone. And later that day she came to my house to tell me off for it. She was a bossy woman when she wanted to be. She called herself a lion once. I told her that I never had an overprotective mother, only overbearing. But she could keep doing what she was doing, because deep down I wanted her to. After that I tried to visit her at least once a week, she would make me coffee and we would talk about anything and everything. But my intern exam was coming up, and I didn't have much time to visit her. And next thing I know she's dying because she got the hiccups. Is that enough for you?" It hurt to talk about my stepmom again. I haven't talked about her in a long time and it felt like reopening a closed wound.

After he had finished writing down whatever trauma my stepmother's death had caused me, he looked up and looked into my eyes.

" Is that enough for you, Meredith? Or do you want to move on to the next person?"

" She was one of my favourite people. I don't want to just move on to the next person. She was a special person, and you have just unnecessarily reopened a wound that was healed a long time ago. You know what? I think we are done for today." I started to get up, putting my pager back in my bag and fixing my hair, when what my therapist said stopped me.

"You said you felt alone when you woke up after the attack, but you were surrounded by so many people. I'm just trying to find the root of the problem. So can you tell me, is there someone you specifically wanted there? Because it looks to me like you never got over someone's death. And it is my job to find out who. So if you could just tell me, It would make this a lot faster for you and for me. Is it Derek?"

As I stood, with my back to him, staring at the murky green wall, I decided, as much as I love and miss him, the person that I wanted at that moment was not Derek. I turned back around and sat back on the sofa.

"It wasn't Derek. And it wasn't Susan. But I don't know. I was in a lot of pain, and I don't remember. So can we just drop it?" Deep down I think I know who I really wanted. Whose death I never really got over.

"You can go home. You can leave and we continue this tomorrow, would you prefer that?"

I was at a crossroads. I was tired and wanted to go home to my kids, but I didn't want to carry on reliving traumatic memories tomorrow either.

" Let's keep going. Who do you want to do next?" I said slowly, trying to lean over and see what was next on his list of adventures for me to take.

"Ellis?"

"You can cross out that one right now. There are times where I miss her, but this was not one of them. They are fairly rare."

"Cristina?"

"Well, I always miss her. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I still saw her everyday at work. But she's not dead. And I still talk to her on the phone all the time."

"George?"

"I miss George. I always will miss George. But I learnt from his death. Yes, I cried for a long time after...But I don't anymore. I'm ok. Are we done? Because I really better get going." I was already stood up and ready to go, because I knew all too well who the next person was, and I wasn't quite ready to hear it. " Actually, I've got to go pick up Ellis from daycare, I'll just come back tomorrow." By this point he already knew what was going on.

So as I hurried out the door, I heard him say under his breath "It's Lexie."

When I got home, Alex had already brought home Bailey and Zola from school. They were both just roaming around the house, so I'm assuming they had no homework.

Zola came downstairs with a photo in her hands. She was holding the printed side to her chest, and looked nervous as she came up to me. I put Ellis down and kneeled down to her level.

" Whatcha got there Zozo?" I pried the photo from her small hands, and inspected what was going on in the small print. What I saw made me catch my breath.

"I was upstairs in the attic mommy, and I found this lying on the floor. I recognise her, who is that mommy?" It was a photo Derek took of Lexie when she first met Zola. She has the biggest smile on her face and is kissing Zola's cheek, who is sitting on her lap, laughing. Staring at the photo made me feel like I was back in that moment again. I was so happy back then. But Zola's voice brought me out of my trance.

"That, Zola, Is your Aunt. Your Aunt Lexie."

"Where is she now? Can I meet her?" Zola said, looking around the room, as if she would pop up out of thin air.

"She left a while ago Zola." I laughed. "And you did meet her. In fact, this photo was taken when you first met her."

Zola took the photo back out of my hands, and smiled.

" Did she like me? Why did she leave?"

That question made me want to cry. Why did she leave? But I can't break down, not yet. Not in front of my daughter, not before my therapy session tomorrow.

" Oh, Zo. She loved you so much. She looked after you at every opportunity. She always wanted to spend time with you. And she didn't want to leave. She would never leave you on purpose. She was taken away from us, too soon."

"Well, I want her to come back. I miss her."

I brought Zola into a hug.

" I do too, Zo. I do too."

My first chapter!! Tell me what you think, and any ideas you want me to write about.

Izzie xx