Not What It Seems.

The Butterflies. Pt 1.

I walk into my english class to see an unfamiliar face. Beautiful might I add. She glances at me, for just a second but it seems to be in slo-mo (like in a fucking movie!). I had never met this girl so I dont know why I feel such a connection to her. Anyways, I have a test today and it was only the 2nd week of school so I'm a bit pissed off. Like I've only been learning this stuff for a few days...tf?

I sit down next to this girl and mustered up the courage to ask her, her name. "I'm Grace, what about you?" "Kayla" I replied. She flashes me a pretty smile and said "I like that name" I just blush and whisper "thank you" while looking away. She lets out a little giggle that makes me smile. I stayed quiet after that, because the teacher is handing out the tests. I kinda have this weird feeling in my stomach like...butterflies are flying around. I know it sounds weird but I cant help but notice it. The bell rings nearly giving me a heart attack. After class I bump into Grace and she gives me a wink before adjusting her backpack strap and continuing down the hall. I CANT BELIEVE that actually happened. I think its kinda funny actually.

Like what are the odds that this gorgeous girl that gives me this indescribable feeling, would think that I'm cute or something...what if she just had something in her eye?! God, what if I'm misreading all these signs. I don't know what's going on at this point. No one has ever got me this flustered...especially a girl. I've had the suspicion that I'm not completely straight but was this the thing that confirms it? I've had 4 boyfriends, was I faking it? Am I gay? Am I bi? This is weird. I cant tell people about this. I've always looked at girls and sometimes thought damnnn shes cute. But doesn't everyone? Idk, shes probably straight anyways.

Its hard to accept the fact that I'm not straight. I know I'm over thinking but I have anxiety which ( for those of you who dont know) is what I like to call the panic disorder. Anxiety comes in many forms. My form of anxiety makes me think too much about tiny things when most of them dont even matter, or sometimes I'll think too QUICKLY about something. Like my brain will tell me that I have to say or do something asap, which forms some impulse issues. Theres also an aspect of my anxiety disorder that allows me to develop feelings way larger and stronger than I'm capable of managing. My form of anxiety IS manageable to me but, I've never had lasting relationship because of it. Boy 1: left because I was too much of a "cry baby". Boy 2: slowly grew apart from me because of the trust issues I had developed due to anxiety. Boy 3: left me because he said I was too attached to him. Boy 4: I left after he called me a "bitch" because I kept asking if he was cheating on me because I had a gut feeling and over thought about it (which btw, WAS RIGHT). But yeah I'm the bitch.

Anyways, I've kinda accepted the fact that I'm incapable of finding true love and hell...even if I do, why would they stay. Who cares if I'm pretty... I'm not mentally stable. It's kinda like a pretty box that's empty. You see the outside and get excited but when you open it it's really disappointing. I'm sure if you were to stay for a while and take the time to dig through all the layers of self doubt, anxiety, depression, hatred towards others, and bitchiness... you might find something that you actually like. But no one's actually ever stayed long enough to see.